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15 Truths About the Joys of Granddaughters

Photo: Cork Has Soft Spot For Laplanders

(SNN) These are the top 15 things I know to be true about Granddaughters in general, and specifically my one-year-and-two-month-old granddaughter, Amy Joy. Some of these observations apply to Grandsons, too.

15. She owns me

14. Grandaughters are different from Grandsons. Either can pretty much turn a room and a box of toys into a Demolition Derby, but Granddaughters make neater messes.

13. You may think before you have yours that you will have to force yourself to hug their favorite dolly, drink tea with them, and sing “The Wheels on the Bus” until the wheels come off the bus. But you will learn that most of the time it’s your idea just because it makes her happy.

12. Don’t begin sentences with “I’m being objective here when I say…” No one believes you. Of course you are not objective. Your Granddaughter is the prettiest, smartest, most entertaining and loveable girl-child on the planet--except for my Granddaughter.

11. You have much in common.  Teeth, for instance. Hers come, yours go, yet you both end up with gaps in your mouth and seeking a proper bottle of liquid refreshment to ease the pain.  Just don’t accidentally switch bottles.

 10. Imagine a hug from the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen on the loneliest night you’ve ever known. Now multiply that by a thousand and you’ll appreciate the pleasure your Granddaughter’s hugs will give you.  

9. If you see her once a week, or even every few days, you may think you are being issued an upgraded version each time.  It’s like watching a movie with nothing but jump cuts.

8. When one behavior is superseded by a new one, you can pretty much kiss the old one goodbye.  Once a child learns to walk, for instance, those endless hours spent sitting together stealing each other’s noses are reduced to a few stolen moments.

7. Whatever your level of belief in a Supreme Being, expect it to move upward a few notches. It is more and more difficult to convince yourself that the creature in your charge is descended from a series of 0’s and 1’s on a DNA chain. There is a Divinity to small children. Whether it comes from God or Nature, you will have to decide for yourself.

6. Ratio of solid food in the mouth to food arrayed around her face, on your clothing or otherwise within fling range, will improve with practice. But it starts out around 99 to one against.

5. If you are available, babysit as often as you can. Your children will appreciate it, and honest to God man, what else could you be doing that would be more satisfying? Treasure the moments, because like it was with your children, they will not last forever.

4. You are not legally allowed to kidnap your Granddaughter.

3. Yes, as a grandparent, you are entitled to indulge her in a few things her parents would prefer you do not. But keep it minor. Substituting a Whiskey Sour for Grapefruit Juice, for instance is frowned upon in most societies. Remember, too, as they become more verbal, Grandkids are really bad at keeping secrets.

2. Do not compete with the other set of grandparents to earn the child’s affection. unless you want to find a Mercedes with her name on it in the driveway behind the Caddy you bought her.

1. Do not forget your male grandchild or grandchildren. They are great and wonderful and loveable too, just more exhausting.

Photo credits: Cork said we could.





DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.



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