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Valentine's Day Checklist

Photo: Good rule: Don't make an ass of yourself

(SNN) It is estimated that American lovebirds will spend close to a billion dollars on gifts this Valentine’s Day.  Wow.
CAUTION, friends.  Before you spend money on your own sweetie, as your very own personal nag, I feel it is my obligation to advise you to be aware of itsy bitsy signs to see if your sweethearts are worthy of your social security check.
These new guidelines established by a woman (I wont tell you my name) could be used by either sex to give an inkling of a mate’s discontent. Here are some basic behavior warning signs

If you ask your lover whether anything is bothering him, and he sets fire to your dress, time for a chat...

  • When you discover he has joined Parents Without Partners
  • If he introduces you to friends and business associates as his “first wife”.
  • If he advertises on a giant billboard in Hollywood, “I LOVE YOU, MYRNA”, and your name is not Myrna.   
  • When you return from the market, catch him “napping” with an old army buddy (and coincidentally the guest towels read HIS and HIS), inquire if he is rejoining the military.


  • If his current business trips last more than two and a half months, even taking into consideration congestion on the freeway, get to Starbucks for a tête-à-tête 

 These are just a few small signs that the relationship can use some reevaluation.  No need to cry.  80 percent of my socks are single, but I have not seen them weep because of that.  Perhaps we can create an app where socks without partners can meet.

As has been said, “love is the answer no matter the question”.  Even for socks. To quote Dr. Suess,

“We are all a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join and fall in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE”

I wish you weirdness.

If you happen to be single as well, love yourself and go buy yourself a gift.  Maybe you’ll meet another weirdo shopping.

Humorologist Jan Marshall is a newspaper columnist and author of Satirical Survival Books.  The current one is DANCIN SCHMANCIN with the SCARS: Finding the HUMOR No Matter What!
Jan Marshall

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by Klearchos Kapoutsis Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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