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Star Wars Would Be Different If ItsTechnology Was Like Ours


(SNN) The most mystical aspect of the Star Wars galaxy isn't the concept of the Force, the metaphysical power that connects the galaxy.

It's the technology.

What makes Star Wars’ technology so cool is that it actually works and is fairly intuitive. After all, Luke is able to fix his lightsaber without contacting the Jedi Help Desk or making an appointment with a Jedi Genius.

But back on earth, the Force is not strong with our technology. The hype is often better than the reality, especially at the initial launch. Think I'm overstating it?  Here are 15 ways "Star Wars" would be different if the Rebel Alliance had to rely on our technology and tech savvy.

  • When Obi-Wan plays the message Princess Leia had recorded on R2-D2, not even the Force could prevent the hologram from buffering.
  • To get a ride to another planet, you wouldn't go to some dive bar to find a willing pilot; just click SpaceLyft.  Finding a place to stay would be easy, thanks to Spacebnb. 
  • The Clone Army would be comprised of PC clones from dimly-remembered, vaguely warlike brands like Commodore, Apollo and Data General.
  • R2-D2 and C-3PO would glitch out at key moments, with Luke constantly having to reboot them – and wait 30 minutes before they’re fully operational.
  • To keep R2-D2, C-3PO and his lightsaber powered up, Luke would carry different chargers and cables for each, making his carry-on bag his most important accessory.
  • Lightsabers would have 55 minutes of fight time, 24 hours of wait time.
  • No matter what he had been through with them, Luke would trade in the 30-year-old R2-D2 and C-3PO to get next-generation droids, the ones with better cameras and cooler apps.
  • Han must reset his password to the Millennium Falcon either every 30 days or whenever someone says, "I've got a bad feeling about this" – whichever comes first. 
  • The Millennium Falcon’s Navi-Computer might get them to their destination but not always via the quickest, most direct route. And vocal commands to its onboard computer would be misunderstood. Constantly. 
  • The Millennium Falcon and all podracers come equipped with plenty of cup holders plus back-up cameras to make parking easier.
  • Instead of risking squadrons of X-Wing fighters in an attack on the Death Star, the Rebel Alliance could just send a virus to attack the B2E (Business-to-Empire) software running the thermal exhaust port. Or it might just crash on its own.
  • After being awarded medals by Princess Leia for (spoiler alert) destroying the First Death Star, Generals Solo and Skywalker would snap a selfie and post it on Tweet Tweet (named after the sound R2-D2 makes).
  • Instead of the love interest triangle of Leia, Han, and Luke, Luke would join J-Date-Jedi-Date ("Use The Force To Get Chosen").
  • Everyone in the Empire would know Darth Vader is Luke's dad after he liked him on Spacebook.
  • No one would look up from their screens. Ever. When told that Han and Leia finally have disabled the force field that protected the Second Death Star, the awaiting rebel pirates, busy playing Candy Crush, would ask for "another five minutes to finish this round."

Of all Star Wars' superior technology, the most important breakthrough for us to develop is not what you might think.  It's not hover cars (since they're not driverless) and it's not droids that handle a range of tasks (my kids would love one that picks up after them). It's on-the-go wireless recharging. After all, whether you're a rebel fighting the evil Galactic Empire or parents raising a couple of kids - who has the time to wait a couple of hours for your devices to power up?

Image:  "Vader/Jar Jar Selfie" from Christina Hendrichs photostream. Some rights reserved.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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