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Texas Zoos to Cure Animals of Gay Behavior + More News Bits

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New Study Finds that Orgasms Have No Role in Perpetuating the Species

(SNN) “I just don’t get it,” said the lead male scientist on the study, in a Skype interview with this reporter. “At first, I thought the problem was only with my wife. I mean, I showed her, in black and white, that orgasms have no role in increasing the chances of fertilization. And so I told her that I saw no point in making her come on a regular basis.” Then he threw up his hands in exasperation. “But when I announced our findings at the conference, every last one of the twelve hundred women there said they’d no longer be interested in perpetuating the species with any man who held such a view.”


Republican Candidates for President Horrified about the Influence of Money on Hillary

(SNN) “Obviously, the only reason countries gave millions to the Clinton Foundation wasn’t to lessen the amount of misery in the world, it was to influence her decisions as Secretary of State.” - The exact same statement given by all the candidates, as they again auditioned for Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers.


Texas Zoos to Cure Animals of Homosexual Behavior

(SNN) “It’s just not what God intended,” said the director.


Parents Outraged about What’s Showing Up on Their Kid’s Cellphones

(SNN) “The reason I bought Mindy that phone was so she could call me if she got kidnapped,” was a typical response on Twitter, “not to tell our kids the Tooth Fairy pays $4.36 on average. Now I have to cough up $3.36, times two, plus what payday loan companies charge in interest.”


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DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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