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Politician Wants to Ban Your Sex Fantasies

Photo: Just one of Glacklamore's agents

(SNN) - It’s illegal in most places to text or hold your cell phone to your ear while driving, and if an America politician has his way, soon you will no longer be allowed to fantasize while at the wheel.

Congressman Tuskman Glacklamore (R-N.H.), Chairman of the Fundamentalist Liptonite wing of the Tea Party, is standing hard and firm behind a law that would forbid all sexual fantasies while driving a motor vehicle. We spoke with him earlier this week.

Thank you for seeing us Congressman, what made you want to introduce this legislation?

I was visiting Kennebunkport, Maine a few years back and almost ran down former President George H.W. Bush while I was having a sexual fantasy. 

May I ask the nature of the fantasy?  

Let’s just say it involved his lovely wife Barbara and a Latex tandem parachute. 

How exactly do you separate sexual fantasies from ordinary daydreams?

We are currently assembling a list of the specific fantasies to be banned. They will range from typical sexual imaginings to more exotic fantasies like sex on a Unicycle or frolicking on the White House lawn with Chris Christie and a goat.

Is listing these fantasies worth your time?

Yes. The second largest cause of car accidents is sexual fantasies while driving.

What’s number one?

Sex while driving.

There have been reports you did all the sexual research yourself?

I’ve dedicated my life to it. Two years ago I missed the elections entirely. Forgot to campaign, forgot to vote.

I’m surprised you didn’t lose.

I’m an incumbent. I gerrymandered the crap out of my district. The borders look like a cat went nuts with a crayon box. So I get to ride the public service money teat until I’m ready for the really big bucks as a lobbyist.  By the way, “riding the public service money teat” is number six on the sexual fantasy list.

Any plans to control other sexual fantasies?   

I had an exploratory task force looking into the practice of “thinking about somebody else” during sex.    

What did you find out?

I found out all the gerrymandering in the world wouldn’t keep me from losing my job if I got that law passed. Turns out, it’s even more popular than having sex while driving.   

How soon until your anti sexual fantasy law is enacted?

Enacted? Have you been paying attention to politics at all? Nothing gets enacted in Congress. We talk, we filibuster, we lunch with lobbyists and then go on a two-month recess. Another example of our ineptitude? We’ve been trying to repeal Obamacare since I got here without success. Coincidentally, one in four driver’s sexual fantasies is about Obamacare and twin naughty nurses.

Congressman, do you have time for a couple more questions?

Unless it involves twin naughty nurses, no.  Now, if you’ll excuse me. Another recess is coming up and I have to pack.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Kris Krug  flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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