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INTRODUCING: The Black Hole (TM) Vacuum Cleaner

Photo: The deep vacuum of space


(SNN) - Hi! I'm Paul Minton and I'm here to tell you all about the amazing new vacuum cleaner from Einstein Industries. 

People have been faced with the need to remove dirt from floors since the Dark Ages. First, they tried licking it up. Then, they it tried getting their pets to lick it up and when that failed, they turned to elderly relatives covered with double-sided sticky tape. Of course, mechanical vacuum cleaners powered either by horse or water wheel were later invented. While these are still popular today, it is the portable electric cleaners containing bags or cyclones that have truly revolutionised sucking. But all this is about to change with the new Black Hole ® vacuum cleaner from Einstein Industries. 

What makes the device so radical is there will never be any loss of suction. Ever. And that's guaranteed! Using powerful gravitational forces normally found in imploded stars, the Black Hole ® cleaner from Einstein Industries will suck up everything in your carpet, including dust, dirt, mites, spiders, dogs, cats, and even the carpet itself. Not even light can escape! 

Plus, there's no bag to dispose of and no receptacle to be emptied. There's not even a filter that needs washing. With the Black Hole ® cleaner from Einstein Industries, all material is compressed infinitely small* by a patented singularity. You need never worry about adding dust to your trash can again, leaving you to contribute to landfill in other meaningful ways that best suit your lifestyle.

Operation is very straightforward. Simply plug the device into your nearest electrical socket and let the cleaner do the rest. Prepare to be amazed as it sucks up dirt AND warps spacetime simultaneously. All this and a no-nonsense two year warrantee** make the Black Hole ® vacuum cleaner from Einstein Industries the only sensible choice. 

But don't take my word for it. 

Mrs G Owen from North Wales says, "The Black Hole ® cleaner turned my life inside out. It's fun to use and I never have to worry about my house again because thanks to the Black Hole ® cleaner, I no longer have a house." 

Meanwhile, Professor Rolf-Dieter Heuer of CERN says, "I always use the Black Hole ® cleaner whenever I need to tidy up inside the Large Hadron Collider. I heartedly recommend it to anyone with their own particle accelerator."

So there you have it. The new Black Hole ® vacuum cleaner is a must have for both homes and physics laboratories everywhere. I've been Paul Minton. Happy sucking!

* Note that a small amount of Hawking radiation may be emitted during operation. This is entirely normal but as a precaution, Einstein Industries recommends the use of a protective survival suit (available from all good nuclear power plants)

** WARNING: Do not attempt to repair the Black Hole ® cleaner as this may invalidate your warrantee and if your hands accidentally pass the event horizon, you may find yourself being dragged into the workings. Maintenance should only be performed by a qualified astrophysicist.

Allegations that the Black Hole ® vacuum cleaner is linked to episodes of time travel have not been scientifically proven tomorrow. Nevertheless, use of the product automatically releases Einstein Industries from all legal and moral responsibilities should the user experience personal injury, financial loss, or paradoxes that threaten the fabric of the universe.

Unaltered PhotoSome Right Reserved by J D Hancock. flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original images can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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