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GRANNY'S STILL GOT IT (and grandpa too) (c) 2013


 

(SNN) - Currently silly statements proclaim that 80 is the new 60 which becomes the new 30 and so on, thus changing every number we have known from the beginning of time to a different value. Then comics and others poke fun at us for being forgetful. Then many a familiar title of products and their purpose is exchanged for a strange, newer one.

For example: In the past when we referred to an eye pad it was for a pink eye. Now, it means something altogether wonderful and brilliant, the iPad® device which I would not put away under penalty of law unless Sean Connery asked me to lay it down for him.

Obviously terminology has changed as to cause brain fog in any intelligent, vital person. Plus we’ve heard said that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This, in fact, does not prove it is because we are discreet but rather that we go blank for what happened, or whom we ended up with, because all words and names have been revised. Will the real Puff Daddy, Sean Combs, Diddy, P.Diddy, Snoop Dog, Snoop Lion, Fast Eddie, oh wait, that’s my ex; stop playing the name game? There is Ice Tea and Lady Gaga and 30 cents--he used to be 50-cents--; but in this economy… and a bunch of less talented dolts who make up ridiculous names and grab their crotches a lot. We were more mature, sophisticated folks in the old days when our groups were called Motley Crue, Grateful Dead and Alice Cooper, such a nice girls name, to mention a few. Whadda ya gonna do with kids today!

Some professionals have changed their business names; and some times we forget whom to ask for when calling our own kids. What are they going with these days? What means shall we we use to make contact with them? Is it their cell phone, land line, or Dick Tracy wrist phone? Should we use their texting name or prison or twitter handle?

At one time, if we described as being "with it" that meant we were enthusiastic and knowledgeable. Now when we want to express our joy to you, we are supposed to claim, “I am down” (which used to be filler for my blankie) according to the new jargon. You all changed the rules and then you call us old, mindless geezers.  

Knock it off.  Yes we are graying, but we are also giggling and gyrating in this age of googling®.

Get clear on this here and now. We are not your father’s Oldsmobile®  or your old time grandparents either. Most of us are computer, or at least smart phone literate, although the virtual secretary Siri in our phone can be an idiot at times. On the other hand, she does remind us to soak our teeth or anything that aches.

Rather than a matchmaker, or archaic courting customs from the last century, we find dates on the Internet, though not always successfully. On one site, I requested a big fellow and one man arrived on stilts. We had a good relationship until I ended it because I kept getting splinters in my thighs.

What you do not know and should wise up about is that most of us are simply in the second phase of life; these are the years 41-80*. Just like you, we are hot. Usually hormone replacement therapy remedies that.

We love to dance and jog and Zumba®. We enjoy going to the theatre and movies. We practice yoga or Tai Chi, have learned to paint and sculpt, enjoy watching sports and appreciate fine dining. Those two don’t actually go together, especially at the ballpark. And no more pancakes, or early bird dates. How about meeting us instead at a restaurant serving true international cuisine with fine wine, imported beer and soft jazz wafting in the background? Let’s play tennis, go skiing or meet on the racket ball court. Believe it or not, some of us can still do it, though perhaps not as vigorously as you. And we now have our chiropractor on speed dial just in case you are injured.

Take a foreign language or cooking class with us. Talk with us as if we were peers, (to a degree). FYI: To us, friends with benefits means someone who adds us to their insurance policy. Though the other still has its place as part of the full menu.

We like to learn new things and we attend classes or pursue cutting edge activities that we may not have had time for when raising our families. You do not know everything about us.  Don’t wait too long.  We want to know you better, too.  You may be surprised and impressed with what we have endured and survived to get to this place before ending up as your loving relatives, friends, and neighbors. Why don’t you ask? 

Furthermore, and thankfully, science produced those little blue pills that have energized some of us, and birth control has relieved anxiety so our grandkids do not end up being embarrassed by having tiny aunts and uncles who are in diapers. We now appreciate the slow, thoughtful acts of love. Yes…we still do it, though chandeliers no longer have the appeal they once did.

We are news junkies and keep up on most world events and are willing to listen to what you young’uns have to say, usually.

The point here is we don’t simply need your obligatory holiday visit where you are texting from entry to exit. You do not have to bring us flowers or a tie as your duty. We certainly do not need any more crap cluttering our lives. But your attention would be appreciated.

Let us have revealing conversations as you would with other humans. Teach us something new and we will do the same for you. There is so much of our history that might intrigue you and certainly the reverse is true.

We probably have been through and survived much of what you are going through. Maybe we can give you a solution and maybe not.  We have no ego involved in whether you follow our advice or ignore it. When we suggest you might want to avoid the pothole on the next street, or other cautionary tales, it is up to you whether to do that or not. It is your life. We simply want to share it more thoughtfully.

Can you stop with ageist labels already? You can call us seasoned citizens if you wish or granny or pa or nana or by our own names if that is agreed upon. It does not matter what you call us; just call us.

Lets get down, dude!

PS. Birthday numbers are meaningless especially in this digital age.

Cheese ages. We in fact evolve and are still booming and blooming. There are plenty of terms like infants, tweens, teens, adults, and enough titles to wear out a label maker. Lets mobilize to have the law changed to stop counting the years and change it to just another phase we are going through, okay!

THE FORMULA

  • Phase 1:  YEARS 1-40
  • Phase 2:  YEARS 41-80 (Yay! I’m in same phase as my kids and Sophia Loren)
  • Phase 3:  YEARS 81-120

Thereafter, you deserve to call it anything you wish.


Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY


 

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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