(SNN) - With Easter season upon us, we chatted up the Easter Bunny. He explained how he and his wascally friends produce Easter Eggs, and why seasonal mascots may soon unionize.
(Editor's note: The JC in the interview are the initials of writer John Corcoran and not the other Easter fellow with the same monogram. EB is, of course, the Easter Bunny.)
JC: Tell us a little bit about yourself.
EB: Sure. I’m a Flop-eared Slew-foot Egg-laying Burmese Hare, the only rabbits specifically bred to lay eggs. We’re the obvious choice for Easter Bunnies.
JC: There’s more than one Easter Bunny?
EB: Oh goodness yes. I’ve been BIC since 2010, but I’m termed out after this Easter.
JC: What does BIC mean?
EB: “Bunny in Charge.” I’m also Hareman of the Board. Mostly I do public appearances, interviews, trade fairs and such. In my spare time there’s charity work and I’m polishing up a screenplay. I have a first look option with Warner’s.
JC: I suppose your movie is about bunnies?
EB: Actually, It’s a paranormal murder mystery. I pitched it as “Carrie meets The Exorcist.” My agent, Sid Goldstein, thought I should explore other Genres.
JC: Back to our topic. Just how many Easter Bunnies are there?
EB: Hard to be exact because the rumors are true. This morning there were roughly 20,000 of us. By Noon we were up to thirty-six five. But then, it IS breeding season.
JC: Take us through a typical day for an Easter Bunny.
EB: We basically just lay eggs from the first of the year through Easter. I’m a Blond Slew-foot and we lay the colorful decorated eggs children love. Ebony Slew-foots lay chocolate eggs.
JC: Who's responsible for those hollow chocolate Easter bunnies?
EB: Chocolate makers. We’re good, but not THATgood. Laying eggs all day is exhausting enough and a lot of Bunnies are talking about unionizing.
JC: An Easter Bunny Union?
EB: Us along with other holiday icons and beloved seasonal figures.
JC: Claus told me last year his Elves threatened a wildcat strike right before Christmas.
EB: I’m a live-and-let live type, but those Elves are some nasty work. Rumor was they hired Sleepy to assassinate the old man.
JC: You’re telling me Sleepy, Snow White’s cartoon dwarf, is an assassin?
EB: Who do you think shot Bambi’s Mom? Disney claims it’s not their Sleepy. Whatever. If Mrs. Claus hadn’t caught him snoozing outside their home, cradling a scoped sniper rifle in his arms, the Santa deniers might have been proven right.
JC: Who else might join?
EB: The Irish faeries are in. I talked to Cupid yesterday about his Valentine’s Day workers and…
JC: Is Cupid out of rehab yet?
EB: He's gotten a handle on his sex and drinking issues, but now he's so fat he can’t get off the ground. Sprained a wing trying.
JC: Anyone else?
EB: Tom Turkey. Thanksgiving gobblers hate their huge breasts. They get so top heavy when they peck at a kernel of corn they'll fall on their peckers. And they’re angry and embarrassed about their man-boobs.
JC: What about being decapitated and eaten?
EB: Not so much. They knew the job was dangerous when they took it. Anyhoo, I really have to get hippity-hopping. It’s our busy season and those Easter Eggs don’t lay themselves.
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