(SNN) - The world’s legion of lovers may be fresh out of luck this Valentine’s Day, their romantic fate left, er, in their own hands.
That’s because the Cherubic Airborne Icon of All Things Carnal, Cupid himself, won’t be around to help anyone find Mr. or Ms. Right this Valentine season*—he’ll be in rehab.
How did this happen? The Mini-Archer of Eros spoke with this reporter hours before beginning a six-week stay at an undisclosed facility to seek help for multiple addictions.
JOHN: Is it safe to assume Sex Addiction is one of your issues?
CUPID: I should be so lucky. If I could pick just one addiction, Sex Addiction with consenting adults and adulterers would be the one. But you can’t have a sex addiction without a sex life, right? I got Bupkis. Zip. Nada. I’m on a cold streak makes the Polar Vortex look like Aruba in July. Like Rodney once said, “If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.”
JOHN: You knew Rodney Dangerfield?
CUPID: Set him up with his second wife.
JOHN: I’m impressed. But you’re Cupid! A celebrity in your own—
CUPID: Let me stop you there. Look, all I do is shoot arrows at horny people. The public thinks because I put couples together that I’m “getting busy” myself. I’m just a facilitator. The lovebirds hit the nearest sheets and I hit the nearest saloon.
JOHN: Other than your own situation, how would you sum up love and romance in 2014?
CUPID: Sex is up; love is down. Nobody wants a return to bundling boards and chastity belts, but today it’s all about hooking up. “Friends with Benefits” almost put me out of business. Who needs Cupid’s Arrows when everyone’s saying ‘yes’?
JOHN: Speaking of Cupid’s Arrows… That’s just a metaphor, right?
CUPID: Metaphor, my rosy red butt cheeks. I use Easton XX75 Genesis Competition Arrows with Aerospace Alloy Finish, Unibushing, and a one piece point. Then I have them dipped in some sort of Love Potion. Curare, I think it’s called.
JOHN: I still can’t believe you use real arrows.
CUPID: Maybe not for long. We’ve become a very litigious society. A sucking chest wound here, a shot in the groin there—next thing you know, liability rates soar. My lawyers want me to switch to email.
JOHN: Getting back to your love issues…have you wondered why Cupid can’t find love?
CUPID: My analyst says it’s poor self-image. I’m short, I’m fat, and I wear a diaper. That doesn't play well in most singles bars. I’ve been shot down more than the Luftwaffe. I had to take my cousin to my high school prom. And believe me, he did not want to go with me.
JOHN: Have you tried a dating website?
CUPID: It would hurt my Brand. I used eHarmony.com once under an assumed name. The only match they found for me was Roseanne Barr.
JOHN: Wait…you’re not a virgin, are you?
CUPID: It wasn’t always like this. I went out with Marilyn Monroe once. In 1983 I had a fling with Madonna. Does that answer your question?
JOHN: What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
CUPID: I’m totally in favor of it. No reason why gays shouldn’t be allowed to suffer as much as Heteros do.
JOHN: If I’m not being too personal…why rehab now? Your busiest season is just starting.
CUPID: If I thought I could make it through another Valentine’s Day, I would hold off. I should have checked into rehab long ago. For instance, I was on the set of Police Squad in ‘87, drunk and stoned as usual. I fired an arrow hoping to connect Regina’s own, Leslie Neilson. and Priscilla Presley. But I missed and hit O.J. Simpson. That did not turn out well.
*Valentine’s Day was named after Italian Bishop Valentin “Love Handles” Bumpuglis (382 AD to 130.5 FM). It is celebrated on February 14th in the U.S., and Feb 14th or June 22nd in Canada, whichever comes first. Until 1891, it was known as “St. Bumpuglis Day” in Saskatchewan, Kansas and Puerto Rico. Void where prohibited.
John "Cork" Corcoran
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