(SNN) - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security Store is having an end of year clearance sale, according to a source not authorized to speak for Homeland Security because he doesn’t work there.
All “Osama bin Laden” items are now 75% off including the popular "Get the Door, Omar, It’s probably Just a Jehovah’s Witness" gym shorts.
Other items available online or at airport kiosks include "Take Your Belt Off and Bend Over, Grandpa" caps and mugs, and "Is That a Wand in Your Pocket, or Are You Happy to See Me?" T-shirts.
There are a few “Security—It’s a Hands On Job” hooded sweatshirts remaining, but apparently “Full Cavity Search… Priceless!” items have been removed due to a copyright dispute.
In other terrorism news, there has been quite the brouhaha lately about security issues in Sochi, Russia and the upcoming Winter Games. But then that’s Vladimir “Ras” Putin’s problem since you’re not going to the Olympics and neither am I. Oh, you are going? What are you, nuts?
New Department of Homeland Security terrorism statistics* indicate that the greatest deterrent to airborne terrorism—other than an uptick of Adam Sandler Movies in the main cabin—may be the elimination of free airline meal service.
“If they don’t get some delicious Chicken Conquistador or a Meatloaf Surprise meal included in the ticket price, terrorists these days just refuse to work,” retired terrorist Abdul Ibn Supin-Salaad stated. Salaad is currently a web designer, senior terrorism consultant for The Lapidary Channel and writes a weekly humor blog, “Salaad on the Side.”
Salaad claims that many terrorists are getting out of the business entirely due to low wages and benefits cuts, plus a desire to spend more time at home annoying their families.
“I understand the reluctance, since in 2003 I personally refused to collect my 72 Virgin entitlement on an empty stomach and was kicked out of al Qaeda as a result,” Salaad said.
A number of Virgins contacted by this reporter confirmed his statement and several said they were “pleased” that Salaad—whose name in Arabic means “Short Fat Guy with Warts”—had remained off the market.
A Department of Homeland Security spokesman issued a terse “No Comment” when asked about Salaad’s comments and another “No Comment” regarding DHS’s “No Comment” policies. A Homeland Security source, who would not comment on the record because he was not authorized to comment about Homeland Security “No Comment” policy, confirmed the “No Comment” comment.
A spokesman for Virgin Atlantic Airlines, meanwhile, responded with loud guffaws when asked if they had any Virgins available for comment, and later called this reporter back to ask if he had “Prince Albert in the Can.”
Another terrorist recruitment issue is money, according to Salaad.
“The top terrorists are like Mafia Dons. All they care about is wetting their beaks. Everyone below them must kick up their earnings to the top man. By the time a Terrorism Don develops a top earner, the guy is poached by another Family, or becomes an al Qaeda Number Two and gets blown up by a Predator missile.”
* * *
*As is the case with all statistics quoted here, the author refuses to guarantee their accuracy, primarily because he just makes them up. So just relax, okay? Don’t push me. I will turn this car around, young man!
John "Cork" Corcoran
Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Chuck Coker flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. Original picture here.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.