(SNN) - Let’s start with a quick Mea Culpa for the Insensitivity Factor. I know millions of starving people would be happy to have anything to eat, including what I’m complaining about here. Well, probably not the Blackened Succotash. These have all shown up at Holiday Meals I attended and survived—mostly when I was a kid. Tofurky is the exception, a recent dietary invention which has done for food what Edsel did for cars and New Coke did for Coke
10: Blackened Succotash: Served one night and credited to a cooking error which caused the usually vile Succotash to become vile and burned Succotash. But it begs the question, who the hell serves Succotash for Thanksgiving? Has there ever been a better name for bad food than that?
9: The Rolls Grandma forgot to Defrost: Usually Parker House, often left over from last year. Cooked in the Microwave at the last moment. They are scalding outside, frozen ice crystals inside. Can induce simultaneous burns and brain freeze.
8: Pearl Onions in Cream Sauce: AKA, “Here, Rover, I got a treat for you.” Tiny onions cooked in a kind of glop and best served directly to the Disposal. Invented so Aunt Doris would have something to bring to the dinner. (Aunt Doris was banned from Stuffing duties after a pair of her pantyhose were found in the turkey).
7: Scrod: Only served once when Mom misread her calendar and thought Thanksgiving fell on a Friday. As a good Catholic, she banked the Butterball and served this aptly named fish, named after an IRS Audit.
6: Greasefire Hash Soufflé: A second or third day delicacy, this is essentially turkey hash which catches fire during prep. Tastes like turkey, gravy and fire engine.
5: Aunt Sylvia’s Infamous Cheese-less Mac ‘n’ Cheese. Aunt Sylvia’s Specialite de la Maison for years had been a Macaroni and Cheese casserole thrown together with the care and grace of a gang fight. During a Séance in 1978, however Sylvia became convinced Satan had disguised himself as a Baby Gouda and quickly cut the cheese.
4: Turkey Grits According to “True Grits,” a brilliant but out of print book written by, Oh My God, me, Grits are an inedible foodstuff that started the American Civil War. Grits taste like and have the consistency of boiled sand, and are frequently flavored with something else--anythingelse--to help kill the taste. Cardboard, for instance. For Turkey Grits you mix in two parts grated turkey with one part pre-sifted organic beach sand or just drop your bird on the beach.
3: Bourbon Drowned Stuffing. Discovered when Granpa, trying to hide the fact he was off the wagon again, poured his Jim Beam into an empty milk carton. Granma, who’d been into the cooking sherry herself since breakfast, failed to notice and added the booze to the stuffing mix instead of the recommended cow juice. It was a big hit, especially enjoyed by the kids at the dinner. Were it not for child services confiscating my baby brother Tinker, it would be recommended.
2: Tofurky: This is a “Turkey” made of Tofu, an artificial food made out of pocket lint, recycled grout and Wax Lips. Vegans swear by it, all others swear at it. Best line about it: “I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat Tofu.” We kid Tofurky, which is actually the registered name for a food made of soybeans and Tofu. Tofu, which rhymes with "tasteless" actually consists of bean curds and soy milk. Where "Soy Milke " comes from I don't know, since Soys don’t got tits.
1: “We Don’t Think the Dog Sampled This” Onion Dip. Both of my Grandmothers made nearly identical clam dips for snacks before dinner. One year, while the clan gathered in the kitchen, the two dips were left within reach of Fartworthy, the family dog. Fartworthy ate all of one, left the other relatively untouched. Arguments raged for hours over which dip the dog preferred. Meanwhile the unused one was served, tasting like chunks of clams and bits of Kibbles.
Got some favorite disasters of your own: Let me know!
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