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Miraculous Downtown Detroit Crash Landing

Black Box Quotes Go Viral; Seat Sales Plummet

(The Sage News Network has obtained a transcript of crew banter and cockpit announcements from Skeddo Flight 666 that crash landed safely in downtown Detroit.)

(SNN) - The following is the transcript: (.)- denotes intercom traffic from the Captian

  • Captain Icarus and the cabin staff are delighted and baffled you chose to fly with Skeddo Airlines today.
  • We congratulate all passengers who made it through the security gates with their dignity intact.
  • The flight crew is happy to welcome our frequent flier.
  • Captain Icarus requests that passengers please turn off all communication devices. Especially children.
  • Toilet paper is available for sale in the aircraft lavatories. If you don’t have a credit card, paper money works just fine.
  • We’ll be flying at 30,000 feet or 10,000 meters, whichever comes first. Please close all windows when we reach our cruising altitude.
  • If your carry-on luggage was checked at the gate, it’s probably still there.
  • After a very salty snack, the flight crew will be in the restrooms taking applications to join our mile high club.
  • Due to an unidentified piece of luggage, Air Traffic Control has ordered us to open the cargo bay over Cleveland.
  • As soon as the plane stops shaking, the flight attendants will be in the aisles selling items left under the seats by previous passengers.
  • Normally our instruments work fine in the clouds, but it’s pretty dark out there. Anyone got an iPhone with GPS they trust?
  • Passengers are urged to consider the possibility that the turbulence you feel might come from within.
  • If you purchased a seat belt, please fasten it now.
  • The sound you just heard was an engine exploding. Don’t worry, we have three more. Wait … make that two.
  • Management has asked us to turn off the remaining engines in order to economize on fuel expenses.
  • The Captain reminds passengers that God hates last minute religious conversions.
  • Please ignore the flames on the starboard wing.
  • Air traffic control suggests that the shortest distance between two points is a line straight down.
  • Please don’t think of our rapid loss of altitude as a descent. Descent sounds too final.
  • As we begin our crash landing in downtown Detroit, passengers are encouraged to stop screaming.
  • The captain has illuminated the no joking sign.

Photo by: Yorkali Walters flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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