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Diet Champ Probed Over Missing Limbs

Cheating Suspected in Miracle Weight Loss

(SNN) - The annual 'Slimmer of the Month' ceremony held every week in Vancouver's City Hall has been postponed following a probe into the doings of Dudley Bolton. Mr Bolton had been expected to collect the prestigious 'Golden Adipose' award and a side order of fries after shedding 97% of his body weight. Suspicions that something was amiss were voiced as far back as June, when organisers at his local dieting club realised his limbs were disappearing over successive meetings. Unfortunately, no action was taken at the time. Phyllis Dumpling, the club's area coordinator, has since apologised but defended staff by saying they were not medically trained and could not be expected to know that the limb loss wasn't due to natural droppage. In actual fact, it emerged that Mr Bolton, anxious to lift the trophy, had amputated his own arms and later his legs to ensure he would be in the running.

Mrs Dumpling said that it was common for slimmers to remove objects like keys, shoes, and mobile phones before weighing and while some members were known to have extracted teeth and eyeballs in their battle with the bulge, many techniques were banned by the organisation. Indeed, she stated that several people had been expelled recently for doing helium. She described Mr Bolton's unprecented deception, however, as "off the scales". 

Despite her assurances, Sage News has uncovered something sinister amid the cut and thrust of competitive dieting and it would seem that those who are hungry to beat the flab at any cost are being targeted by disreputable cosmetic surgeons. One of the most shocking tales we encountered was that of Patrick Cuvette, an unemployed raccoon salesman from Calgary, who agreed to have his head removed in a bid to drop a dress size. Unfortunately, Mr Cuvette could not be persuaded to talk to us (or anyone else).

Yet, it is Mr Bolton who is currently attracting the most publicity; and he cuts a tragic figure after his fall from grace. Having been shunned by the slimming fraternity, he lives, along with his shame, in a large plastic bucket that he calls home. A spokesman for the North American Dubious Dieting Society (NADDS) sympathised with the pressure felt by many slimmers, including Mr Bolton, but offered hope in the form of a one-off, too-good-to-be-true miracle injection that he could administer in any alleyway for $749.95. Meanwhile, a health advisor for the tobacco industry told Sage News that his message to overweight smokers was simple: if they wanted to be feel a little lighter, they merely had to put their hands in their pockets and touch their tiny Zippos ®.

Photo by: Lydia Shiningbrightly flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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