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Humor Break! Diet, Exercise and Other Fables

Marshalling Our Will Power

(SNN) - Prayers have been answered.  Bikini season is almost over.  Speedos too! The world is better off; at least in my zip code anyway.

Since 1990, to get ready for the beginning of the summer and the traumatic occasion, I have been on exercise bicycles that go nowhere and leave me spinning; inner journeys that lead to serenity but do not register on Google Earth or my GPS. I did jog once and thought I heard applause but it simply turned out to be my thighs hitting together. The clapping annoyed my neighbors so much they paid me to leave the neighborhood, thus turning flab into fortune; even enough to buy Cronut®.

Wouldn’t it be grand if after every bit of exercising we could see the fat falling to the ground lying like a lump and then…we could observe the scene as the Flabinator came by to remove it and take it wherever excess blubber goes?  By the way, where does it go?

I know where I’d like it to go, As an organ donor, I am leaving my cellulite to Heidi Klum just so she gets to experience the joys of these love dimples. Till then I am keeping it in a warm place.

Silly me! As a last resort I tried a couple of new diets.

On one I could eat anything I desired within 2 minutes using only one chopstick. Didn’t work out as well as I had planned after I became an expert at spearing whole hams.

The one when I ate only when a politician wasn’t being hypocritical put me on a dangerous course of too much weight loss so I tossed it out which I’d love to do with some of them as well.

What I have learned from all these experiences is to read advice more carefully.

Eat less, exercise more. What a concept!

I had it backwards.

Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY

Photo by o5com flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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