(SNN) - Funny how things start out so innocently.
“I need a new office chair,” I said to hubby.
“Fine,” he said.
“Because mine is 40 years old and worn out,” I said, determined to convince him. “It also doesn’t fit me anymore.” Bottoms can change after many years. My tush might have been a tad smaller back then. Now it is a lazy, adult tush that needs more seat padding.
“You don’t have to convince me. You’re in that chair all day long, writing. It’s only a steno chair and it was old when we got it,” he said.
Well, that was easy, I thought. Piece of cake.
Cake, it appears, can be deceiving. (This is where the idiom starts to go totally astray.)
Day 1: CHAIR NO. 1
By this subtitle, you might have caught on that project “Find a Chair” did not go as planned.
Like every good Canadian, we went to Staples to look for a chair. Like every good couple with a Scottish last name, we went right after Christmas.
Chair No. 1 was not on sale. It was the only chair in the store that I really felt comfortable in.
“It has arms,” I said, sighing with delight. “I’ve never had a chair with arms.”
Hubby showed his generous side. “You can have it, even though it isn’t on sale.”
Of course, it came in a box half its size. Which meant we were really buying a bunch of chair pieces.
Back home, Hubby started putting the pieces together. Two hours later, he handed me the assembly instructions.
“Can you read this?” he said. “I can’t, even with my reading glasses.
I peered at the wee instructions. They appeared to be written for Barbie Dolls.
An hour later, we had a chair. Unfortunately, it was too short for the desk.
“I can’t work the keyboard,” I wailed.
Stoic Hubby said, “I suppose I could cut an inch or two off the desk legs.
We set out to return the chair.
Day 2: CHAIR NO. 2
Because the chair hadn’t been on sale (yay Hubby!) we could exchange it. I was back in Staples facing 30 chairs. Now the mission was to get one tall enough.
I became Goldilocks for an entire hour looking for the chair that was ‘just right.’ Finally the sales clerk got off her cell phone and came over. I explained the First Chair Dilemma.
Clerk: “You need one of our totally adjustable chairs. It’s even on sale.”
She pointed me to it and I tried it out.
Me: “It seems okay. But it doesn’t have any padding.”
Clerk: “These new chairs have webbed backs and seats. They adjust to you.”
Hubby (getting antsy): “We’ll take it.”
Clerk: “Oops. We’re out of them.”
Me: “Can we order one?”
Clerk: “I don’t know if we’re getting any more.”
Me: “Then we’ll take the floor model.”
Clerk: “Oh no! You can’t take the floor model. We need it.”
Hubby: “How can you need it if you have no chairs to sell?”
A battle ensued. It involved the clerk, the manager, Hubby, and another frustrated male shopper who popped over to say something like: “You sales people have the brains of a long-dead lake trout. Let them take the blasted floor model.”
We loaded the floor model into the Outback.
Back home, I tried out the new chair. It was the perfect height.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t the perfect seat. Within twenty minutes, my butt was asleep.
Me: “I can’t move!”
Hubby: “Try falling out of the chair and landing on your hands.”
Day 3: CHAIR NO. 3
Chair Number 2 had been on sale so we couldn’t return it. Luckily, Hubby has an iron butt and agreed to take possession.
But Chair Number 3 is a happy story. In an adjacent city, we found a store that deals only in office furniture. They had leather desk chairs with all sorts of padding. We chose the cheapest (still Scottish here, after all) and brought it home. Goldilocks found her cake.
Unfortunately, Goldilocks left her wallet in that store, which is why we’re headed back there today. Which only goes to show, even having your cake can be a pain in the butt.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books with her butt in a new office chair. You can find The Artful Goddaughter mob caper series at Chapters, B&N, Amazon and all the usual places.
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