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Happy Birthday. Now Go Away.

Photo: The best way to eat birthday cake

(SNN) - It you are like me, first of all my sincere condolences.

Second, if you are like me you no doubt get sick and tired of birthdays.  Not yours, numbskull—other people’s birthdays.  At least when it’s your own, you get cake and presents.  But even in that case, birthdays stopped being a blast when your cake candles hit double figures. Now, when cake lightings threaten to become prairie fires, it’s just a bother.

I know there are still certain close friends and relatives whose birthdays you celebrate or at least cheerfully acknowledge.  You may even send gifts because you love these special people, respect them or hope they will top your gift with theirs when your birthday comes.

Facebook loves to have everyone celebrate birthdays of everyone they’ve befriended. Every week you get the laundry list of upcoming birthdays. The reasons, I suspect, are far from warm and cuddly. They want to increase their own traffic, and might even wet their beak when you link to the birthday gift they suggest you give.  

This week was the worst, with dozens of birthdays listed. I don’t know half these people, or whether or not I was sober when I befriended them. I certainly don’t want to waste time with a gift or personal greeting. What to do?

I've written an “All Purpose Birthday Greeting.” As a service, to you, The Beloved Reader, I’m allowing you to use it yourself for free. It may require a modification or two, but help yourself.


Dear Relative, Close Personal Friend, or Facepage Interpal:

Both that Zuckerberger Guy and the NSA person who reads my emails have informed me that you have an upcoming birthday. This is your official Happy Birthday Greeting from me. There is no card or present.

If you have received this in error, and your birthday is not barreling toward you like some gruesome reminder of the inevitable march of time we all take toward nothingness, please unread your greeting and ignore this correspondence. Or if you so choose, send it on to some “friendless” needy bastard or bastardess who would appreciate it.

The vast or half-vast number of people born at this time of year testifies to the first cool days of September that took place during your birth year, and the way your parents celebrated.

This is the primary reason why you are receiving this soulless, impersonal greeting, and not some individual card, cutesy-poo eCard, or hug. (I don’t remember how to operate a phone anymore, so that’s out of the question anyway.)

If you find this kind of impersonal greeting off-putting, first of all, Bite Me. Second, feel free to protest by taking appropriate countermeasures. May we suggest sending me a lavish birthday present in lieu of an impersonal greeting? My birthday is July 27th, my birthplace Brooklyn, NY, where fall came late that year.

Oh, and before I forget—Happy Birthday.

Many Happy Reruns of the day,

Sincerely Yours,

(Your name here)

Connect with: "John Pesky Corcoran" on Facebook. Visit is website(s) here and here and "@OldCootCork" on Twitter

Unaltered PhotoSome Right Reserved by Randy Pertiet flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is OPINION.The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Opinion and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.



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