(SNN) - SWAMPSIDE JUNCTION, Northwest Territories – They’re here! Well, they were here.
A silvery UFO, roughly 35 feet in diameter, hovered over then landed just outside the town limits of this sleepy village yesterday. And then it got interesting.
According to Cuthbert Schnitman, a TV news presenter forced into early retirement due to continuous mispronunciation of his own name, Extraterrestrials soon emerged from the spacecraft, waved, passed out souvenir T-shirts and held a press conference.
Schnitman said he first offered the exclusive story to CNN, but the network declined to interrupt their new, “All-Missing-Airliners-All-the-Time” format for news. Schnitman next took the exclusive to the obscure yet unreliable blog BreakingSatire, which in turn traded it to THE SAGE for some moose meat and three bags of salted nuts.
Here then, is the story in a nutshell.
Unlike fictional flying saucer movies, there was no “Take Me to Your Leader” request from the spacemen, although one alien said he thought Earth’s most powerful man looked “really cute riding a horse, shirtless, and annexing Crimea.”
After passing out Official UFO Crewman T-shirts,* the Extraterrestial commander introduced himself as Lt. Col. Ngzpt (Buzz)) Brlhgmgk, “Saucermeister-to-the-Stars,” Schnitman said.
Colonel Brlhgmgk (pronounced like it’s spelled) said visitors from many solar systems had been observing, studying and abducting Earthlings for more than a Century.
“Mostly it’s catch and release, but we’ve kept a few. Amelia Earhart now runs the biggest luggage corporation on our planet and Jimmy Hoffa just unionized them. Marilyn Monroe isn’t dead, by the way, and we’ve got her,” the Saucermeister said, adding, “Hubba Hubba.”
Because of the remote landing location only Schnitman and Internet Radio DJ named “Slammin’ DJ Dufus” represented the media. Also on hand were a few local townsfolk and Greater Swampside Mayor, Rollo Prettywillie. Lacking an official “Key to the City,” Mayor Prettywillie gave the visitors the spare one for his Buick.
“Unfortunately,” Schnitman noted, “His Honor then grew billious, farted twice and was whisked away for treatment of The Vapors. The locals said this was unrelated to the alien visitors, as he did the same thing every week at the town’s Beer ‘n’ Beans Dinner.”
Looking for Intelligent Life
Colonel Brlhgmgk, communicating by a combination of mental telepathy and a bullhorn, said he and his crew had been sent to seek intelligent life on Earth, but their six-year mission had been cut short. This was due to budget restraints and the fact most life on earth is “quite frankly, dumber than a box of Gleptogs. No offense.”
“Including Humans?” an onlooker asked.
“Especially Humans,” said Colonel Brlhgmgk. “You’ve got too many nukes and Kardashians, you still burn dead dinosaur goop instead of using that big yellow thing up there for power, you eat Tofu and spray paint your bald spots, and what’s up with that Juan Carlo guy?
Instead of finding real singers, you autotune bad ones, then you sit on your butts watching third-string celebrities dance and ZZ Top impersonators worship ducks. Although I must admit, those duck guys' Christmas album was really quite good.”
Schnitman said the ETs most resembled the so-called “Greys,” aliens with large heads, slanted black eyes, and standing only three feet tall. “Actually, I’m about 3’2” in heels,” Colonel Brlhgmgk insisted.
Greys most often are seen wearing one-piece unitards, but Schnitman said these ETs rocked bespoke, double-breasted Gabardine suits and Cashmere topcoats. “They said they got ‘em in the children’s department at Sears.”
Why the new outfits?
“Polar Vortex. Chilly weather shrinks our Blumpokes,” explained the Colonel.
He would not reveal his home planet for security reasons, but in response to DJ Dufus’ question, “Like dude, what’s the deal, man?” Colonel Brlhgmgk said many alien races still visit Earth, a popular interplanetary vacation spot. He said they include “Pleidians, several species from Orion, and of course, Texans.”
With that, the visitors concluded the press conference, entered their spacecraft and headed for home.
*Saucer ID number on the sleeve and “I Came to Earth and All I Got was This Lousy T-shirt and a Rash” on the front.
Photo: Some rights reserved by Kaba Rob flickr photostream, The Sage nor the article endorsed. The original image can be found here.
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