(SNN) You’ve never heard of them. They’re not at the nationally televised debates. They come from all over the country and all walks in life, knowing that in America, anyone can be President, but not that “Anyone” isn’t going to be them.
Or is it? How long ago was Donald Trump just another also ran?
T. Worthington Blithers. If elected, says he will deport all American citizens and legal immigrants, thus making it easier to round up illegals. Never been West of Montpelier, VT. Likes Mulligatawny Soup.
Ollie Oxenfree. Only known member of the “Bomb Peru Party.” Says on his first day in office he will bomb Peru. Attended Cal-Berkley on a Macrame scholarship. Raised by free-range sheep.
Major Dilly K. Floop (U.S. Army,ret.). Also known as “Wrong Way Floop.” As an advisor to allied forces during the Gulf War, he got lost in a Haboob and forced an American USO Troop to surrender.
Esmeralda “Lala” Yates. A former lobbyist credited with helping pass Texas’ controversial Concealed Bazooka law. She has maintained a perky attitude despite repeated third degree burns from Bazooka backblasts. Smells like a singed eyebrow.
“Bratwurst". The former Keith Hamilton legally changed his name to Bratwurst on a dare in 1998. Always wears Lederhosen. Believes in capital punishment for anyone who failed Geometry. Raises injured pigeons at his home in Cleveland. Has no toes.
Seth Blatter. Campaign currently on hold waiting for results of FIFA indictments. Says there’s plenty of campaign money and he knows where it’s buried. Once told Beckham to ‘straighten out his kicks.’
“Whistling” Ed Nilcrotch. Lost his teeth in desert storm, just not the famous one. Still offering reward for their return. Back hair comb-over fails to disguise thinning scalp. Will sing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story at the drop of a hat, so try not to drop your hat.. Trains racing snails.
Patrick Juebouy. Pro Israel, but his unfortunate last name has cost him votes in the Jewish community and with KKK. If he ran today, he’d actually owe votes. Eats chicken salad with gardening implements.
Ed “Farmer” Nicklebach. Was gaining grass roots support in Iowa until he called his wife Gretta the ‘best little hoer in the county.’ May still run if pickax surgery is successful. Motto: ‘If you can grow Squash, you can grow the economy.’
Blinky McNeebler. Running as part of plea bargain for knocking over an old lady in Pittsburgh. Judge allowed community service when McNeebler showed remorse, apologized, and stated before the Court: “I know knocking over an old lady is wrong. Next time I’ll knock over a bank.” Married to his cat.
800-pound Pizza Guy. Fat guy who was kicked out of a hospital for ordering pizza is running on the One More Slice Party Ticket. Once downed three Deep Dish pies and a wedding cake during a press conference. Motto “Fat Chance I win.”
Jimson Blibble. A “Free Sex Party” candidate, Blibble once claimed sex solved the world’s problems, but later confessed he was just trying to get laid. Leads Jeb Bush by three points. Seven of his ten fingers are on his left hand.
Sen. John McCain. Running again after accidentally signing candidate papers trying to order more Hair in a Can from Amazon Prime.
Pro life, just not yours.
Lucinda Squatting Buffalo. Claims to be 90 percent Cherokee and 40 percent confused. Ms. Squatting Buffalo is a traditionalist who believes no one should be allowed to vote until they have shot a Moose…or a Rotarian. Only eats Beets.
Lovey Dovey Lickenpoof: Former Mother Superior turned Mixed Martial Arts fighter, Lickenpoof had hoped to beat Ronda Rousey and use that money for a Presidential run. But she lost when she fainted climbing into the ring. Has never urinated.
Image from Paul Stein flickr photostream. Some rights reserved. Original image can be found here. The Sage nor this article endorsed.
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.