(SNN) This is Special Oscar® Awards Analysis by Morty the Mendacious, Old Coot Cork's third cousin, twice removed (once forcibly).
Old Coot Cork: So, Morty, what do you think will be the lasting impact of this year's Academy Awards?
Cousin Morty: Who gives a rat's ass?
OCC: Humor me. What special moment or moments on the show caught your attention?
CM: When that weird guy with the I-still-eat-paste expression couldn't keep his meat hooks off that chick's face. It looked like he was checking her for ticks. Is he hooked up right?
OCC: It's complicated. What else stood out?
CM: What was up with the old bald white guy who kept nagging people to call their Mom? If he'd met my Mom, he wouldn't say that. She’s got the third eye, you know.
OCC: So I’ve heard. The “old bald white guy” you mentioned is J. K. Simmons, Best Supporting Actor.
UM: Well tell the cheap bastard the phone runs both ways. And while he's at it, to pony up and buy a couple vowels and get hisself a proper name, okay?
OCC: What did you think of some of the other winners?
CM: I couldn’t understand half of what that guy with the Mexico accent was sayin’. I don't guess we'll see him again soon, since the one gave the statue to him ratted him out to Immigration.
OCC: What did you think of the acceptance speeches over all?
CM: Most of them what gave 'em is bigger liars than that Barney Williams or Bob O'Reilly on the TV news shows ‘cuz they kept sayin’ they didn't expect to win. Then they hauled out a long list of folks to thank. Should have thanked me for watching that sh*t.
OCC: What about the night’s big winner, Birdman?
CM: I thought it was for the birds.
OCC: You’ve been waiting a long time to say that, right, Morty?
CM: Since the Swallows come home from Castrato.
OCC: Was there anything you liked about the show at all?
CM: I liked when that guy come out in his Skivvies. Now that there was a knee-slapper.
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