(SNN) - About this time of year many people are toting up the new year’s resolutions they’ve already broken. I have known for a long time that listing resolutions is a waste of time.
Here are fifteen other things I know to be true.
- Idiot-proof devices aren’t.
- Schrodingers’ Cat isn’t dead, it’s alive and well and choosing to ignore you.
- The best scent in the world is a new car smell, except of course perfume on the woman you love and the aroma of a freshly changed baby.
- The best flavor in the world is vanilla, unless you are very, very thirsty, in which case it is beer.
- Everybody poos, everybody lies, everybody dies. Rarely do all three happen at once.
- Critics who defend ultra-violence, worship gruesomeness and rip the slightest hint of sentimentality in the arts, do so to convince themselves and other critics just how badass they are.
- If you tell the person you love “I love you” and her response is “Pass the salt, please,” have her hearing checked. If it is okay, she doesn’t love you.
- Of all the things I quit when I was young and regret doing so when I got older, playing a musical instrument tops my list. Second is Shirley. Last is catching a bullet with my teeth.
- Confidence is an aphrodisiac. A smart, confident person has no reason not to be popular with the opposite sex.. That is assuming you don’t have looks that would scare horses and small children in the street. Then you’ll need money, too.
- If you don’t have a sense of humor, there is something wrong with you and you deserve a handicapped parking pass.
- No generation will have to replace their musical albums as often as ours has. We started with records, replaced them with reel-to-reel tape, then eight track and cassette tape. Then we bought CDs before we learned to download.
- I would never parachute out of an airplane that is not crashing for two good reasons. (1.) I would never trust a stranger to pack my parachute because I don‘t know enough about him. (2.) I would not trust myself to pack my parachute because I know too much about me.
- Very few people I’ve met who believe “you must love yourself first before you can love others” actually practice the second half of that equation. Those who do are top shelf.
- People who tell you to forget the past and move on have obviously never indulged themselves in a good nostalgic wallow. Like Grandma’s house, the past is no place you want to live, but the occasional visit is good for everyone.
- Television and the internet are the two most ruinous wonderful inventions in the world we can’t live with or without.
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