Bulletin: Big Bootilicious Breaking Butt Update
(SNN) - With a clean air accord agreed to by China and the US, with Russia rattling its sabers in the Ukraine, and with record-setting cold air blasting into the eastern half of the US, the biggest story this week is Kim Kardashian’s Ass.
Kardashian’s Big Booty burst into the news when she released a series of mostly nude photos taken for the winter edition of the publication “Paper.”
But like a blind man trying to describe an elephant, if you spent time away from the fast-breaking story you may have missed key elements of journalism at its finest.
Here then are highlights so far:
- TMZ reports Justin Beiber is now dating Kim Kardashian's Ass.
- NASA announces Kim Kardashian’s Ass will be launched into space in 2017, and is expected to land on Uranus three years and 20,000,000 puns later.
- The Weather Channel’s New England forecast: 30% chance of Hurricane Force winds, 50% chance of heavy snow, and 100% chance of Kim Kardashian's Ass.
- Rumors persist that Kim Kardashian’s Ass uses performance-enhancing drugs, meaning her world-class booty may enter the record books with an assterisk.
- Kim Kardashian’s Ass denies it will run for President in 2016, saying it wouldn’t stand a chance against all the horse’s asses in the race.
- The US Postal Service has assigned cc's Ass two new zip codes, one for each cheek.
- Kim Kardashian’s Ass has just signed as official spokesbutt for Universal Studios new kick-ass ride called “Kim Kardashian‘s New Kick-ass Ride.”
- Kim Kardashian’s Ass has been named Queen of the Rose Bowl Parade. The lead float will be shaped like Kim Kardashian’s Ass if enough roses are available.
- Kim Kardashian’s Ass has been nominated by the prestigious National Caboose Association for year-end "rear-end"‹ Honors (sorry).
- Kim Kardashian's Ass, backed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, will sing the National Anthem at the 2016 Super Bowl.
- Barbara Walter unretires to ask Kim Kardashian's Ass: “If you were a tree, what kind of tree do you think it would be?”
- The Assless Americans Association has sued Kim Kardashian’s Ass, saying many women remain bootiless or under-bootied while she hauls around enough flesh to re-boot an entire village.
- Kim Kardashian's Ass has signed a three-picture deal with Warner Brothers.
Image (cropped): - Not Kim Kardashian, Some Rights Reserved by calwhiz (flickr), The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.
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