(SNN) - I take a bunch of pills every day. Some are prescribed by doctors. Some I find under sofa cushions. Still others are “suggested” by my wife, who is currently ranked third most qualified non-medically trained pill expert in the Known Universe.
I recently looked up the pills I take in the Physician’s Desk Reference to see what they actually do. Here are the results.
- The Big Green Pill. Controls gag reflex should I inadvertently ingest Kale.
- That Big Brown One. Improves my focus during collecting, categorizing and licking of “Forever” stamps. This has enabled me to turn a modest profit affixing them to letters penned by noted germ-o-phobe Howie Mandel.
- Lemon-Colored Capsule. Made from organic tree bark and inert lawn clippings, keeps Yin from yawing and Yang from yodeling.
- Medium Size Purple One: Increases viscosity of area in and around umbilicus, eliminating need for monthly lint removal services. Annual Savings: $23.50.
- Chartreusse and Bronze Capsule. Discontinued after FDA revealed label claim that it “Helps you live forever” was a typo and should have read, “Helps you live for evil.”
- The Tiny Red One. Improves muting reflex, enhancing my ability to silence TV sound before first word of a commercial is heard.
- Little Blue Pills (30 per day). No, not those blue pills. The only thing these stiffen is my resolve. Look pretty and taste chocolatey. I have no idea what the hell they do.
- Small Greenish Tablet. Offsets nausea and bloat caused by daily intake of 30 blue M&Ms.
- Large Mauve Pill. Available exclusively at Whole Foods, it is designed to increase profits of Whole Foods’ stockholders.
- Small Vermillion Capsule. Developed by one-out-of-four doctors who never approve of any medical treatment, device, or decay preventive dentifrice. It helps maintain obstinacy in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
- Large Polka-dot pill. This decorative beauty spruces up anyone’s pill dish while helping taker maintain immunity to comedy stylings of Joan Rivers.
- Small orange tablet. Sharpens crease and elasticity of cheek dimples, enabling me to appear impish and adorable for all the world to see.
John "Cork" Corcoran. Visit Cork's websites here and here. Connect with: "John Pesky Corcoran" on Facebook and "@OldCootCork" on Twitter
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