(SNN) - Cork's been to the dentist and so we all must suffer. Here's his take on proper care following having a tooth stump ripped out by the roots.
- HANDS OFF YOUR HOES: Patients who have had a general anesthesia or died during oral surgery should not drive an automobile or operate heavy machinery. Do not fire up a John Deere backhoe or handle your Wacker Neusen Rammer for at least 24 hours.
- GAUZE PACKS: Remove all gauze packs 30 minutes after leaving the office. If you are still bleeding but have not yet bled out when you get home, place another sterile gauze pack over the area. If you do not have a sterile gauze pack you may substitute a clean cloth, an old sponge, a fresh, unused T-bag, or veteran character actor J.K. Simmons. (N.B. This supersedes earlier recommendation of “an unused D-Bag,”—which was a typo. )
- MEDICINES: Begin using medications prescribed to you immediately. Steal Granma’s pain pills if necessary. Smoke any loose joints you find. Remember take all prescribed antibiotics until exhausted. If this doesn’t exhaust you, run around the block a few times. Failure to take all antibiotics may result in drug-resistant infection or return of STD acquired from Shirley, the town pump.
- HOW TO TAKE MEDICINE: All medications should be washed down with milk or bourbon and followed by a heavy meal, such as Italian, French or Chinese cuisine. If you choose Chinese, use chopsticks except for the Sweet & Obnoxious Soup. After taking pain meds, do not dial your old girlfriend; she’s still not worth it. Some medications may cause dizziness and explosive diarrhea, so watch where you’re pointing that thing.
- DO NOT SPIT: for the first 24 hours. If you are a tobacco chewer and your mouth overflows with blood, saliva and noxious tobacco products, drool carefully into your complimentary dribble cup. If you wish, raise pinkie to maintain whatever shred of dignity one can muster while drooling into a dribble cup.
- ICE PACKS: Use ice packs on operated area (externally) for either 24 hours or three days, whichever comes first. Apply ice packs for twenty minutes on, and then twenty minutes off, then twenty minutes of hopping like Stumpy, the Crime-Fighting Manatee.
- ICE PICKS: Do not use ice picks on the operated areas (externally or internally) without first checking with your physician or Vinnie.
- ORAL HYGIENE: Vigorous mouth washing may stimulate bleeding. So don’t do that, dumbass. In any event, do not rinse your mouth for at least six hours after surgery, unless surgery was performed on someone else. You may then gently rinse the mouth with warm Cod Liver Oil, diluted mouthwash or undiluted Scotch until you pass out.
- ORIOLE HYGIENE: The Baltimore Oriole (Icterus galbula) is a self-cleaning, easily trained, pleasant companion whose only shortcoming is a tendency to choke during the dog days of August.
- BLEEDING: If bleeding restarts, discontinue rinsing and try rocking a Captain’s hat with a jaunty Meerschaum pipe. When brushing your teeth, always usea quality decay preventive dentifrice, sealing wax or egg substitute. Good oral hygiene reduces chances of infection and increases chance you’ll play tonsil hockey with that honey in the corner. Hands off the cha-chas though, Loverboy, until you come up with dinner and a play.
- FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS: Payment must be rendered when due or expect personal demonstration of our anesthesia-free incisor removal service by Dr. Thump.
- DISSOLVABLE STITCHES: Have been used since the Crimean War for all oral surgeries, except for your procedure, because we chose to save a buck. Instead of dissolving within a week, stitches will be painfully removed with an electric stitch saw and gum shredder at your postoperative appointment. So there’s that.
- TOENAIL BLEEDING: If you develop profuse bleeding from the toenails, your Gauze Pack is on too tight. If loosening the gauze doesn’t stem the flow, stand on your head. If toe bleeding persists, retie your shoes or get an erection.
- DON’T FORGET: If you desire to keep your extracted tooth, please remember to take it with you. Incidentally, aren’t you a little old to still believe in faeries?
John "Cork" Corcoran. Visit Cork's websites here and here. Connect with: "John Pesky Corcoran" on Facebook and "@OldCootCork" on Twitter
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