(SNN) - Knowing all there is to know about knowing nothing about soccer, our man, Cork, reveals 12 important facts about the World Cup.
12. If there is a tougher officiating job in sports than Soccer Referee, I don’t know what it is. You’re always running, nobody speaks the same language, everybody flops, you have to watch 22 people who cheat, the fans may kill you, and nobody, not even you, is exactly sure what the offside rule means.
11. Dammit, it’s just not the same thing without Vuvuzuelas.
10. Sports are not always equally fair. Soccer star Luis Suarez of Uruguay nibbled an opponent’s shoulder and got suspended for four months. Boxer Mike Tyson chomped off Evander Holyfield’s ear and earned his own one-man show on Broadway.
9. Since fans tend to sing during most of the match, why not book superstar entertainers to lead sing-a-longs? Because frankly the current stuff is boring.
8. There are 52 cards in a standard deck, but a soccer ref only gets two? May I suggest they add a Red Cross card for flopping, one that indicates: “I’m only guessing this time,” another with an ad for “The Ed Hochuli Gun Academy,” and fifty or so pictures of Supermodel Karlie Kloss to keep players awake during slow play.
7. Many National Anthems sound like a series of random notes thrown together.
6. I like having those heavily accented broadcasters calling the matches for ESPN. Can’t understand a word they say, so I turn down the sound and nap without fearing I’ve missed some insight.
5. Why do I still prefer American football? Remember the US team’s heartbreaker when Portugal’s Ronaldo fired a perfect, last-second pass downfield that resulted in a score? Peyton Manning does that 30 to 50 times a game.
4. Soccer draws the best looking fans. Some I suspect may only be there to watch good- looking men grab their junk during free kicks.
3. Hockey Goalie vs. Soccer Goalie: Who has the harder job? There’s an old show biz expression: “Ginger Rogers did everything (dance-partner) Fred Astaire did--in a dress, in high heels and backwards. A hockey goalie does everything a soccer goalie does--in pads, holding a stick, and on ice skates.
2. I never thought I’d say it, but even a nil-nil match watched at home on TV can be thoroughly enjoyable—so long as you’ve laid in enough beer and snacks.
1. The World Cup has made a convert of me. I can’t wait to watch soccer again in four years.
John "Cork" Corcoran. Visit Cork's websites here and here. Connect with: "John Pesky Corcoran" on Facebook and "@OldCootCork" on Twitter
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