(SNN) - Televangelist Pat Robertson is launching a new end-of-times prophecy hotline for people who want to find reasons to worry.
The new hotline, which will open up to callers in Canada and the U.S. on Sunday, May 11th, will provide customized end-of-times predictions that detail how and when the world will end -- all at the bargain basement cost of $10.00 per minute.
The hotline will feature some of today's best psychotics, such as Kanye West, Charlie Sheen and Rob Ford, who will describe the most plausible end-of-the-world scenarios such as meteors, locusts, zombies, sinking continents and overthrow of world governments by IT technicians named Dave.
"The Lord can do anything," said Robertson, whose doomsday predictions in 1980, 1981, 1988, 1996, 1998, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2012 and 2013 didn't materialize. "He tests us all the time to see what we will do even though he knows in advance what we will do. And even though he created us and knows what we will do, he will still punish us for what we will do because it is all his plan."
The 84-year-old founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network also stated that he personally wasn't afraid of the end of the age because he was God's BFF and had tall non-fat lattés with him all the time. Other people, on the other hand, should start worrying about getting squashed by asteroids, especially the feminists who leave their husband, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
According to Robertson, callers to 1-900-YOU-GONNADIE will be greeted by a personal recorded greeting, then prompted to press a number that corresponds with the type of doomsday scenario they want.
"Hey, just get ready. Get right and stay right with the Lord," said Robertson. "God wants you to share this number: Call now and be saved. And make sure you have your credit card handy."
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