(SNN) - Attempting to build attendance and compensate for the fact that there is more snow in Alabama than Sochi, Russian Olympic officials are offering many new sporting attractions. These include:
- Super Mongols - Hockey players dressed as Genghis Kahn invade the Olympic Village and subjugate its inhabitants
- Short Track Derby - Watching people with big thighs skate in tight circles becomes more interesting when they are given hockey sticks and permitted to hit each other
- Figure Hockey - During penalty shots, well-padded goalies are replaced with male figure skaters wearing nothing but spandex
- Super-Size Slushie G - The world’s fastest skiers attempt to slalom through sticky and colorful wet snow
- Snowden Cross - Hackers race to leak confidential documents from countries represented in medal ceremonies
- Curlski Jump - Curling stones are launched from ski jumps with points awarded for distance, hitting journalists, and crushing dissent
- Real Life Skeleton- Dead people are sent head first down dangerous luge tracks before rigor mortis sets in
- Putin the Great - Exhausted athletes try to keep up with the shirtless Russian president as he leads a pub crawl through the Olympic village
- Colorado Half-Pipe - Snowboarders attempt amazing tricks while smoking pot
- LGBT Biathlon - Gay skiers race from gulag to gulag as Russian officials shoot at them
To keep the world focused on Sochi until the bitter end, officials also promise that the Olympic Torch will be turned into a giant vodka fountain and Pussy Riot will play the closing ceremonies.
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