(SNN) - The world is divided into two types of people: Those who would like to live a long life and the Scientists of the world who want to send us to an early grave.
According to scientific findings, studies, and other research, I died of natural causes in 1983--give or take a year or twelve. (My crack staff crunched the numbers, and most of them are drunk at any given time.)
Being born relatively sane, I planned for a long life, but Science has kept looking for new and imaginative ways to shave years off my timecard. Nothing personal, Science claims, a smirk on its smug yapper, “it’s just what we do”*
Here’s my Top Ten List of Science-based Life Shorteners. (Your mileage may vary):
- Sinister Tendencies. I’m left-handed. You lose nine years of life expectancy just for being a Southpaw. I may get a discount because I’m slightly ambidextrous—I play golf right-handed. But I play like a lefthander playing golf right handed.
- Fat at forty. A report in England says being overweight at age 40 cost me seven more years. Friends try to ease my displeasure by noting, “you’re fat now, too, Lardass.”
- Smoking. I quit long ago, but my seven year, two-pack-a-day habit will cost me three years.
- Work Stress—I was another pretty face on TV news for two decades. That meant deadline pressure, Fast Food cuisine, sedentary work habits, and being forced to suffer fools gladly.
- Veggie Aversion. I don’t do vegetables. On the other hand, that may reduce stress because I never worry about Succotash Surprise or Broccoli Woopsis au Gratin for dinner.
- Gout. Daily meds have kept me pain-free for 40 years, but medical science says Gout is still lurking in the corner snickering at the thought of re-emerging.
- I’m anti-social. It’s not that I don’t like individual people; I just prefer a few select ones at a time. The rest can go to hell. My senility Doc says I should socialize more and he can go to Hell too.
- Drinking. The only positive here is not long ago I decided to drink less to avoid having to quit. I haven’t gotten so much as a post card from my liver for ten years. A search team I sent is MIA, too.
- Idiopathic neuropathy. Neuropathy means numb feet and the increased likelihood I’ll fall down, go boom. “Idiopathic” describes gullible sufferers who pay their doctors to tell them they haven’t a clue what causes it .
- Restless leg syndrome. No one takes this seriously unless they have it. The only upside is my twitchy legs and dancing feet are the only exercise I get.
What set off my latest rage against he dimming of the light was the scientific bastards have again urged me to toddle off earlier into that good night. Maybe they figure I could use the sleep.
Insomnia not only will kill all of us sooner, it turns out it will kill men much sooner than women. Thanks again, Science.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on borrowed time.
Yeah, I know, Science also discovered penicillin, eliminated Prickly Heat, invented heart transplants and may someday find a cure for Justin Bieber. But this is a humor piece, so stick it, beaker breath.
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