(SNN) The US Government has announced that no laws will be enforced from sundown on Thanksgiving to sunrise on Black Friday. “We considered suspending the constitution,” said a spokesman, “but our citizens love full-contact shopping and martial law is bad for business.”
In the past, Black Friday was the day retailers profited more from insurance settlements than sales of goods and services. It was also known as the day that Americans fulfill their New Year’s resolutions to “get more exercise” by running through malls and wrestling each other over low-cost gift items.
“In keeping with traditional American values, everyone is encouraged to trample each other in the stores and fight for limited supplies of imported Tickle-Me Elmo’s,” the government spokesman said.
Black Friday used to take place on the Friday after Thanksgiving, but retailers now open their stores during the Thursday evening feast while consumers are still drunk and angry.
Taking a cue from the popular sport of cage fighting, many vendors will lock consumers inside stores to battle with spray cans and hairbrushes until only the most worthy shoppers are left standing. Security cameras will broadcast the action on dedicated YouTube channels.
Taking advantage of a lull in the sport calendar, Costco is rumored to have offered free flights and unlimited beer to European soccer hooligans in exchange for pillaging Walmart stores.
Traditionally the realm of brick and mortar stores, online retailers are now offering their own version of Black Friday mayhem. For shoppers who prefer the internet but don’t want to miss the thrill of the strip mall, the major websites are promising identity theft, credit card fraud, and a variety of wild scams.
Those who venture out early can look forward to parking lot tailgate parties followed by demolition derbies and armed robberies. This year, long lines of cold, agitated people can play “Guess Who’s Carrying a Concealed Weapon” and "America's Got Bullets" with the added thrill of no legal consequences when guns are fired.
Photo by: Jane Quigley flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.