(SNN) - Every year, on the third Thursday of November, Americans celebrate the feast of Thanksgiving by cramming a giant turkey into their stoves and getting reacquainted with irritating relatives.
Most Americans hate turkey which is why they slaughter so many of them at this time of year. After the annual massacre, Americans consume the birds in a secretive feast that pays tribute to pioneer spirit and over-indulgence.
Forgetting how foul last year’s turkey tasted, families will gather around dry, overcooked carcasses and tell folksy stories about the brave pilgrims who, fleeing Old World intolerance, managed to sneak an entire continent out from underneath its original inhabitants.
To make the dreaded bird more palatable, resourceful cooks will bury it in acidic cranberry relish, cinnamon crusted pumpkin pie, gravy drenched giblets, and a variety of root-like substances coated in burnt marshmallows.
Thanksgiving is, above all, a family celebration. Before the feast, it is traditional for children to gather around the Samsung TV and watch American football, the modern version of ancient Roman gladiators. Enjoying ritualized violence enables impressionable youngsters to become better acquainted with their racist uncles, angry grandparents, and mean cousins.
When the meal is served, Americans thank God for granting them more horsepower, firepower, and body mass than all other nations combined. After saying grace, the cook is often moved to tears when her mother-in-law expresses traditional displeasure over the lack of good bourbon.
Unfortunately, Thanksgiving is not without risk. Last year, an entire trailer park perished when someone tried to mask the gamey taste of turkey by stuffing the bird with shredded paper and slathering it with warm motor oil before roasting it.
Just like the pioneers of old, when the feast is over Americans race to shopping malls and trample each other in celebration of another New World tradition known as “Black Friday.”
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