(SNN) - After careful consideration and millions of dollars in taxpayer funded studies, the city of Chicago will change its name to Boston. Numerous reasons were cited in a recent press release:
The city formerly known as Chicago never liked being associated with the Midwest. We are more sophisticated than Minneapolis and couldn’t care less about Wisconsin. We always imagined ourselves as part of the East Coast. So suck it, Ohio.
We know this change, effective immediately, may cause some confusion at first, especially to Mid-westerners who like things to be just so. But there are Springfield’s in every state and most people don’t get lost trying to find the one with Bart Simpson. There’s a Vancouver in the USA and it’s not full of confused Canadians, though perhaps they’re just too polite to ask directions. The USA has two Carolinas and neither is needed. Clearly we can handle another Boston.
The benefits will be too numerous to count. Our high Chicago murder rate will drop as soon as criminals realize they’re in Boston where people have higher expectations. Student test scores will improve for the same reason. Our baseball team, the Boston Cubs, might stop disappointing us year after year after year.
Our Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, left the Midwest a long time ago and, frankly, he doesn’t know he’s back. Plus, our politicians don’t have much luck with excessive job-killing regulations like the ones about bribery. In addition to a more prestigious title, being Mayor of Boston carries less risk of finishing one’s term in prison.
With the exception of deep-dish pizza, which is a joke we played on the rest of the nation’s arteries, the former Chicago will keep the best of its history and culture which mainly center around Prohibition-era crime syndicates. If needed, Boston Tea Party re-enactments could take place in Lake Michigan.
Chicago and Boston have so much in common, we might as well share the same name. After all, both towns have classic rock bands named after them. This was a smart strategy because otherwise nobody would remember their music. Anyone recall Kansas? Our point exactly.
We reiterate that we are not physically moving the city. This was studied once but deemed too expensive given the cost of getting all our shit across Lake Michigan.
Finally, just like the original Boston, we hate New York, too.
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