(SNN) - It was back in July that NASA's Curiosity Rover first sniffed the Martian atmosphere and reported back to the waiting scientific community. When the composition of carbon dioxide, argon, and nitrogen was finally announced, it proved to be no surprise and experts were authorised to act smugly for the rest of the month. However, WikiLeaks founder and fugitive from absolutely everywhere apart from Ecuador, Julian Assange, has now revealed that the actual findings were suppressed. In a press conference from his embassy hideout, the world's most famous albino whistleblower said the Obama administration had ordered NASA Chief and star of 'The Big Bang Theory', Jim Parsons, to cover up the truth. "In reality," Mr Assange declared, "The spectroscopic data showed the atmosphere of Mars to have a bouquet of almonds, cedarwood, and old training shoes." The readings have since been checked by wine connossieurs at Sage News, who have confirmed the presence of Chateau La Feet '61.
Other experimental analyses from the Rover, which were not deemed fit for public consumption, related to extensive soil tests. Mr Assange said that the advanced equipment on board the vehicle showed a high spice and cocoa powder content, which was consistent with a blend of paprika and milk chocolate. Coupled with results from the Mars Global Surveyor, which identified the telltale signature of icing sugar at the Martian poles, the conclusion is inescapable. "The Red Planet is edible!" Mr Assange told his stunned audience. "NASA has consistently dismissed the possibility of a manned trip to Mars on the grounds it would be impractical to take enough food for the duration of the mission. The new information shows this to be a lie and there is no reason why astronauts could not live off the fat of the land."
Speculation is now rife that the original manufacturer of the Mars Bar was actually an extraterrestrial alien from another planet, who was trying to impart the fact that a planet of sheer confection lay on our doorstep. Meanwhile, NASA is believed to have ordered a secret mission to check on whether other parts of the cosmos might be consumed by an over-populated Earth in the future. Focus will most probably be confined to the Milky Way or other Galaxy says Assange, working on the basis that the UK-based Cadbury Group might know more about the universe than they're letting on. A probe to Uranus, he concluded, is therefore unlikely.
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