(SNN) - Promising to bring peace, harmony, and full employment to one of the world’s most troubled regions, the Disney Company announced their intention to turn Jerusalem into a giant theme park.
Disney’s new “Holy Land” theme park will transform the embattled city into the happiest place on earth.
“Everyone will benefit when we level the town’s ancient hills and make those narrow market streets fully accessible by monorail,” said a Disney spokesman. He went on to promise a dizzying array of rides, quasi-historical re-enactments and breathtaking miracle shows.
“Disney’s expertise in storytelling, spectacle and special effects will add new twists to the world’s most cherished traditions. We’re delighted to announce that twice daily, Moses will part the waters at the same time as Jesus walks on them.”
Religious leaders voiced immediate disapproval at the notion of turning a profit from their ancient arguments and pilgrimage sites.
“Epcot, Schlepcot!” said the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem. “I don’t care if they’ve got live frogs in their so-called Ten Plagues Pavilion, the whole megillah is meshuga.”
Muslim and Christian leaders joined him in condemnation and kvetching.
“These protests are great news,” offered the Disney official. “For the first time in recent history, the world’s three major religions agree on something.”
Construction has started on rides such as the Jewish Diaspora Roller Coaster, the Haunted House of Lazarus, and the Good Samaritan’s Wild Ride. A recently discovered series of ancient catacombs are soon to be converted into “King Solomon’s Mine Train.” There are even rumors of a Pink Floyd reunion to bring down The Wall during opening ceremonies.
Disney promises that economic benefits from increased tourism and icon sales will benefit the entire region. Job fairs have overflowed and large companies are eager to secure lucrative contracts. Some key partnerships have already been announced. Manischewitz has won the wine bar franchise, and McDonalds has committed to a whimsical chain of “McFish and Loaves” theme restaurants.
Disney promises that 3500 years of Invasions, crusades, rebellions and disagreements will come to a happy ending when an enormous Mickey Mouse flag flies above the Mount of Olives.
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