(SNN) - The US Immigration and Naturalization Service, the INS, announced that migrating Canadian geese are being told to keep flying. The many species of birds generally referred to as “honkers” have been declared “undesirable flying aliens” and will be denied landing permits.
“They swarm. They shit. They squawk, said an INS official during a private phone call monitored and made public by the Canadian government. “Their butts are big enough to hide a bomb in.”
He also asserted that many geese spend the winter in Mexico and might be involved in drug smuggling.
“The annual goose migration is a Trojan horse. These so-called birds gather in huge flocks and rampage like hooligans. It would be fine if they just came here to make duvets and down jackets, but they only come to pillage. It’s almost worse than spring break in Florida. Loud, messy geese eat our beautiful front lawns, loiter in our pristine parking lots and chase our innocent children around parks. I’ve even heard rumors of angry birds destroying property.”
US Hunters were initially outraged over any possible encroachment on their constitutional right to bear arms and use them against foreigners. In response to the National Rifle Association’s considerable clout, the INS encouraged citizens to shoot any non-native species landing on US soil. International airlines demanded an immediate exemption.
Luckily for Ottawa, revelations about widespread Canadian government eavesdropping on US phone traffic seems to interest the American public less than threats to gun owners’ rights.
“The US-Canadian border is dangerously porous,” the transcript concluded. “If those feathered gang bangers keep invading our air space, harassing our women and children, and spreading their filth without proper clearance, I will personally build a mile high fence along the border.”
Photo by: Don Debold flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.