(SNN) - From midnight on 2nd November, owners of werewolves in England and Wales will be legally required to carry a wolf whistle and will have to keep their animals on a leash at all times. It follows concerns about the anti-social behaviour of some exotic pets and the rising cost of supernatural defence.
Many councils have already resorted to cheaper alternatives in order to tackle rogue monsters, substituting silver bullets and wooden stakes with wet sponges and medium density fibreboard. Under the new rules, police will also be able to fine owners who fail to clean up the mess left behind by their lycanthropes. Small black bags will be available free of charge for excrement while plastic sacks can be used for any half-eaten corpses.
Susan Maddocks of the werewolf charity, Lycra, said that her organisation had agreed to dispose of any waste and although its resources would be stretched initially, she expected them to bounce back in due course. She did, however, express frustration that other dangerous pets were still exempt from the regulations.
"The Yorkshire terrier is a particularly bad-tempered creature," she told Sage News. "But because it fits conveniently into a satchel and can look cute in a bow, the government believes it poses no threat. My postman, Stumpy O'Toole, has legs which tell a different story!"
Ms Maddocks will, no doubt, be pleased to hear that officials may want to extend their powers further so that they can take action against invasive species like the Himalayan bigfoot, although a decision is yeti to be taken.
Meanwhile, environmentalists are said to be troubled at what they see as a loss of freedom for the urban monster and they are opposed to additional legislation. Vlad Goulding of the Worldwide Fund for the Undead said that the lesser fanged nosferatu was already endangered and that more than half of all zombies were having to supplement their diet with ketchup.
"They need human blood not table sauces," he protested.
Fortunately, as Halloween approaches, many of these beasts will have one last opportunity to hunt before the new law comes into force. Members of the public are being asked to sacrifice themselves in order that these badly misunderstood creatures can be preserved for future generations.
Photo by: enslavedbyfairies flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.