(The Sage News Network has obtained a transcript of crew banter and cockpit announcements from Skeddo Flight 666 that crash landed safely in downtown Detroit.)
(SNN) - The following is the transcript: (.)- denotes intercom traffic from the Captian
- Captain Icarus and the cabin staff are delighted and baffled you chose to fly with Skeddo Airlines today.
- We congratulate all passengers who made it through the security gates with their dignity intact.
- The flight crew is happy to welcome our frequent flier.
- Captain Icarus requests that passengers please turn off all communication devices. Especially children.
- Toilet paper is available for sale in the aircraft lavatories. If you don’t have a credit card, paper money works just fine.
- We’ll be flying at 30,000 feet or 10,000 meters, whichever comes first. Please close all windows when we reach our cruising altitude.
- If your carry-on luggage was checked at the gate, it’s probably still there.
- After a very salty snack, the flight crew will be in the restrooms taking applications to join our mile high club.
- Due to an unidentified piece of luggage, Air Traffic Control has ordered us to open the cargo bay over Cleveland.
- As soon as the plane stops shaking, the flight attendants will be in the aisles selling items left under the seats by previous passengers.
- Normally our instruments work fine in the clouds, but it’s pretty dark out there. Anyone got an iPhone with GPS they trust?
- Passengers are urged to consider the possibility that the turbulence you feel might come from within.
- If you purchased a seat belt, please fasten it now.
- The sound you just heard was an engine exploding. Don’t worry, we have three more. Wait … make that two.
- Management has asked us to turn off the remaining engines in order to economize on fuel expenses.
- The Captain reminds passengers that God hates last minute religious conversions.
- Please ignore the flames on the starboard wing.
- Air traffic control suggests that the shortest distance between two points is a line straight down.
- Please don’t think of our rapid loss of altitude as a descent. Descent sounds too final.
- As we begin our crash landing in downtown Detroit, passengers are encouraged to stop screaming.
- The captain has illuminated the no joking sign.
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