(SNN) - I write mob comedies. Yes, I’m Italian. Yes, I’ve been a Goddaughter, like the heroine of THE GODDAUGHTER. Okay, maybe not exactly like. But close enough that I can easily imagine what it would like to be a mob goddaughter. The Christmas presents would be pretty decent, for one thing.
Besides, I can get my salami and mortadella wholesale in any Hamilton deli. Did someone say working class?
Melodie’s rules: How to tell if you’re really Italian:
- If you absolutely cannot talk with your hands held down. Okay, not true. You can scream if they try to hold down your hands. And kick.
- If you have at least 2 cousins named Tony. And one uncle.
- If you consider Pasta a vegetable. (It’s good for you! Really. Ask any Italian grandmother.)
- If you can listen to five conversations at once, in at least two languages, and answer back.
- If you have four first names (Melodie Lynn Theresa Anne…)
Okay, it gets a little tougher now….
- If you regularly faked a long penance after confession just so the boys would think you were way HOT.
- If your family does not consider a ‘heater’ something you turn on in winter.
And how to fake it…
- Cry when Pavorotti sings the FIFA soccer anthem.
- Ask for Brio and Orangina in restaurants. Gasp loudly if they don’t have it.
- Kiss everybody. All the time. Left cheek, Right cheek. (THEIR left cheek, right cheek.)
- ALWAYS wear designer shoes. Especially when shopping for shoes. If you don’t have a special wardrobe just for shopping, you are not Italian.
- Long hair, ladies. At least until sixty.
- Wine is a vegetable. It’s good for you.
I hate to end a list at 13. We Sicilians are superstitious. So here’s one last way you can tell you’re Italian:
Jewelry. Lots of it. The plane nearly came down with the weight of newly purchased gold worn on that last trip back from Rome. Heard in all lines at Customs: “What, this old thing?”
Melodie Campbell got her start writing stand-up. You can follow her at www.melodiecampbell.com or better still, buy her books at Chapters.
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