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Trudeau's Resolutions Released by Hackers

Photo: Still figuring out the whole chair concept

(SNN) A shadowy group of Internet hackers known as Ickyleaks has managed to figure out Prime Minister Trudeau's password to his home computer (JT#1PM4Ca) and have released the PM's New Years Resolutions. Here they are in their complete, unabridged form:

  1. I resolve to add quotation marks to government department names starting with the "Ethics" Commissioner, followed by the "Democracy" minister and then the Ministry of "Justice". This would be a great way to manage expectations!
  2. I resolve to institute a travel rewards program for government aircraft travel. It is unCanadian for the public to have access to a benefit that is not available to senior politicians. The average person loves equality and will definitely support this measure.
  3. I resolve to make it a felony to report on private dinners held featuring government ministers and donors looking for favours as it just upsets people. Doesn't the media see how it hurts our democracy to have these reports aired? How dare they call into question the method we use to keep in power so we can preserve our democratic institutions.
  4. I resolve to give more money to the CBC. They're starting to get a little snippy about my leadership even after our "little agreement" about that. Sad you can't trust some people to keep their promises!
  5. I resolve to attend more climate conferences, no matter how obscure, with a huge contingent of supporters, as long as it's in a sunny country with great amenities. Free kids meals would be a bonus.
  6. I resolve to call whoever CPC candidate that emerges as the victor "immature" and "unprepared" like they called me, even though Mom says, since they're not my friends and are mean, I don't have to listen to them.
  7. I resolve to continue my policy of attending more pride parades than sessions of Question Period. Canadians are proud of how responsive I am to special interest groups and find Parliament as boring as I do. Win-win all around!
  8. I resolve to keep working toward my goal of Secretary-General of the United Nations. That would be almost like being King of the World!
  9. I resolve to approve more pipelines just to shut up the whiny Albertans and the even whinier environmentalists. If we could harness the energy that radiates from the anger of unemployed oilmen, we wouldn't need tar sands.
  10. I resolve to work even harder to share my sunny ways message around the world and show everyone what a happy Canada is made of; and for the Prime Minister of this country, for now, that's no small potatoes!

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by Mohammad Jangda Flickr photostream. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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