(SNN) - It started when I bought a new toaster. Being a good loyal citizen, (okay, a product of excruciating Catholic guilt) I glanced briefly at the instructions. It was there on the warning page:
“CAUTION! DO NOT OPERATE THIS TOASTER UNDER WATER.”
Do they mean in a submarine?
The whole thing rather surprised me, because – frankly - I am not fond of soggy toast. (Is anyone?) For that reason alone, it never occurred to me to hold a toaster under water, put in a slice, and try to operate it. Or…is that supposed to be me under water, operating a toaster?
Yes, the madmen are indeed running the asylum.
Make that Admen.
Witness this other warning I came across recently, on a 450 gram package of mixed nuts:
WARNING! THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN NUTS.
Well, I damn well hope so, since I just spent five bucks on it.
It doesn’t stop there. My hair dryer warns me not to use it in the shower. Granted, it would take a heck of a long time – maybe years – to dry your hair with water continuously pelting down on it…
But the best example of corporate inanity was forwarded to me by a friend this morning.
On an automatic toilet cleaner you stick to the inside of a toilet bowl:
THIS PRODUCT IS GLUTEN FREE.
But…is it nut-free?
(Okay, that was subtle, but as a career marketing director, I can ‘certify’ that advertising execs are indeed nuts. ‘Certifiably’ so. Okay, I’ll stop now.)
Melodie Campbell writes funny books, including the 2014 Derringer Award winner, THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, which is available at Chapters/Indigo, and online everywhere.
Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Steve Jurvetson flickr photstream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.
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