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Bad Girl

Age Gracefully? No Way!

(SNN) - I celebrated a birthday recently. I didn’t celebrate it very well, mind you. In fact, I don’t celebrate anything well anymore. I don’t know how to, primarily because the only time I stay up past midnight is with sick kids.

The thing is, nobody needs birthday parties in order to feel older. Our Drivers License photos do it perfectly well on their own. Besides, you know you’re getting older because the cops keep getting younger and younger. Soon they’ll be putting little cub scouts in uniforms and sending them out with toy guns to man the speed traps.

Getting older is particularly discouraging when you realize what other people have accomplished by the age of 35. Attila the Hun had conquered most of Europe before he was old enough to vote. Cleopatra had vamped the entire Mediterranean coastline while tossing Caesar Salad on the side, and Beethoven managed to write all sorts of world class symphonies and go deaf before he was my age. Actually, he was dead by the time he was my age.

The worst thing about growing older is not the weight you gain, but the dreams you lose. For instance, I’m having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I may never become a major Vogue model. For one thing, we older broads can’t walk in high heels anymore without toppling over sideways. Something to do with the weight distribution further up. For another, we can’t see five inches ahead without our glasses. So unless Vogue wants a model crawling along the catwalk on her hands and knees, modeling is out.

On the bright side, one of the minor irritants of aging is you tend to forget things. This has certain advantages. I haven’t weighed myself in weeks. Any day now, I might forget I am married… oh, wait a minute – I forgot: this is a family column.

Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge, a finalist for the Derringer, is available at Chapter/Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Amazon and other retailers.

Photo: Some rights reserved by Justin Shearer flick photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here.

More from Melodie Campbell
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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