(SNN) - My first gift from a male was a pet frog. Jimmy was five, and the frog was his most prized possession. Unfortunately, when the hopping box was thrust in my face, I screamed, and threw it back. Jimmy was not impressed.
Men have given me pet frogs all my life. Gifts they would like to receive and thus gleefully assume I would want. And I am not alone. Last year, one female friend of mine reported receiving a set of mag racing wheels for the family car. Another opened a big pink box containing – I kid you not – a filing cabinet.
This year, men, it’s time to shape up! No more socket wrenches for your lady (unless she asks for them). So what do you buy? Here’s what you don’t:
No kitchen appliances. By this I mean, washers, dryers, dishwashers, toaster, can-openers, or meat-slicers. These are gifts for a house, not a sweetheart. The same is not true of men and tools. Men play with tools, so that makes it okay. But I defy anyone to play with an electric can opener.
Don’t believe me? Ever heard a couple of men discussing the merits of a brand new motorized saw?
Ed (proudly): “Radial arm. Craftsman Cabinetmaker’s.”
George (whistling): “Power?”
Ed (caressing): “1.5 hp high-torque 3450 rpm direct drive induction-run.”
George (scrutinizing): “Blade?”
Ed (triumphant): “20-tooth carbide-tipped.”
George (drooling): “Wow.”
Women don’t behave in this manner. You don’t see women standing around a vacuum cleaner, remarking:
Betty: “Just look at these stats! 120 volts, draws 8 amps with powerhead, 6.6 amps without, triple prong plug, replacement hose, and seventeen thousand attachments.”
Marge: “Gee, I wish my George would buy me a vacuum cleaner like that for Christmas. Mind only sucks dirt.”
No, women are much more likely to say:
Betty: “Ed bought me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.”
Marge: “Ed has the soul and finesse of a long-dead lake trout.”
Which is to say, he stinks.
Melodie Campbell writes funny books. The Goddaughter’s Revenge has just been released and is available at Chapters and Amazon.
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