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Cdn Border Flooded With Army Vets Dressed as Refugees

Crisis? What crisis?

(SNN) The UN High Commission on Refugees has found evidence that most of the new refugees walking to Canada from the US are actually Canadian military veterans trying to get a better deal from the government.

Commission officials were on the Canada/US Border recently observing the steady influx and interviewing the newcomers to establish their credentials. The team was led by Commission head, Frieda Peeples.

"We were quite shocked to discover what we thought were hundreds of Syrian, Somali, Sudanese and other nationals were, in fact, from Sudbury, Saskatoon, and Steinbeck," said Peeples. "They are just Canadian war vets who had travelled to the US and altered their documents while there, and then simply walked home dressed as migrants."

Some of the telltale signs the supposed refugees were fake were the number of claimants that traveled across the border by skidoo, rather than on foot. Officials learned to weed the genuine refugees from false ones by having giant screens set up at popular crossing points which were showing Hockey Night in Canada.

"It was simply a matter of watching who reacted to goals," Peeples said, "We could almost sort them by province."

Most of the bogus refugees admitted the only reason they were trying such a desperate move was because of cuts to veteran benefits which have been eroding their discretionary dollars. Many cite the carbon tax as the final straw.

"I was just getting by until they began taxing everything in sight," grumbled one man who claimed his name was "Abdul" despite a Newfoundland accent and a Starbucks cup with the name 'Rodney' on it. "A feller can get almost three times the monthly income as a refugee that you can as a veteran. I fought in three wars and had a nut shot off for this? Screw it. My name is Abdul and I am fleeing war torn Sarnia. I mean Syria."

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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