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Road-Tested and Ready

The Very Best New Cars in the World


 

(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my research. Here are my ten best new and redesigned automobiles hitting the market in 2017.

Driftino-Goyishe Cantaloupe: (Kuala Lumpur) $26,500, liquor license extra, battery not included. Features courtesy laser, heated floor mats, Flothru Sportmirror, Deluxe Racing Trunk, Naugahyde Suspension, European Style lug nuts, and competition drop flares. Designed by the legendary Carpathian designer, Sid Cantaloupe, the car is the only known two-seat SportSedan powered by a single Duracell battery. 

Osuku-Gotcha Gentle Blossom Eater: (Japan) $35,000 and up. This sporty new entry is available in two-door Snatchback and four door Skulkabout models. Price held down by eliminating headlamps and driver’s seat. 18 MPG city, 26 MPG country, 52 MPG sidewalk) Voted top newcomer in Overrated Substandard Mini-compact Half-Sedan class. Already recalled because childproof door-locks eject children. Turn signal stalk is made of celery. 

Nissan Snoob: (Japan) $47,500 I last tested a Snoob in 2005, back when it was toaster oven. Now it is a top rated, subnormal semisweet CoupeSedan, but the toast is consistently underdone. 

The Rudley-Puddly Canardly SNX:  $35,000 The Norwegian made Rudley-Pudley has struggled ever since co-founder Remington Pudly insisted every new vehicle soak overnight in the Hjskalsjdh Fjord. It suffers from oversteer, and if you correct by understeering, the car displays an amusing tendency to plow into stationary objects. In lieu of individual seat belts, the SNX offers a single twenty-foot rope that ties all passengers together. 

Plymouth Fury Bubblebutt Saloon: (US) $33,950 A throwback to the Plymouth Bubblebutts popular in the Depression and then used primarily to run moonshine, the new Bubblebutts are now rear-engine with the trunk forward. As a result, the driver can’t see and the cars rarely make it out of the showroom intact.  

The Forbisher Autocrap:  $26,500 Forbisher Technology and Dog Chow, LTD, the Silicon Valley newcomer, got into the burgeoning self-driving car market after owner and CEO Robert “Fritz” Dog Chow tucked into a bowl of bad Navy Bean Soup. The fevered exec then ordered production of 50,000 24-caret gold car emblems with the unfortunate typo “Autocrap” instead of “Aristocrat.” Mr. Dog Chow kept the new name and his self-driving vehicle looks good, drives wonderfully but has an unfortunate tendency to sulk in the garage when needed.     

The Wexley Tallboy: $195,000 (Penthouse extra) The Tallboy is the first five story automobile built in America.  Positives include streamlining, solid road feel, and numerous available paint schemes and trim levels. Major negative: Can’t go a city block without toppling over. Driver’s seat on top floor near the kitchen is an inconvenience. Seats 12 families uncomfortably. Due to tipping issues, insurance premiums are high.

Suburu Savage Sloth:  $67,000, not including anchor or docking fees. With parquet floor, $69,000. First sail-powered land vehicle to be mass-produced, it’s proven sluggish in early road tests. Available grappling hook for snagging a passing 18-wheeler is an option worth considering. Car has no transmission and the tiller has been tucked away in the glove compartment. The seatbelt and harness assembly is inexplicably made of meatloaf.

The Gverny-Gveeny StenchSalon:  $195,000. The best sub-hyphenated reminiaturized SUV (stinky utility vehicle) made in Sweden by enslaved Syrian refugees.  We love the overhead clam engine—the StenchSalon is the finest we’ve driven that utilizes a bivalve engine fueled with skunkspray. We recommend passengers go heavy on the cologne. Because of last summer’s rubber strike, car is currently being delivered to showrooms with three tires and a watermelon. 

Chutney Roadmonkey Brougham Deluxe DeVille Spyder: (France) $121,000. (Rear window defogger $500. Rear Window defrogger $750, but includes the chef’s salad).  First automotive three-wheeler with all three wheels in the front, the 23-cylinder Supercharged Oui-madame mill will drag you anywhere. Comes with indoor plumbing and storm windows, but oddly no roof. Windshield wipers on inside. Gas pedal designed by Skitch Henderson. Has no windows.

Happy Motoring….

Photo: Some Rights Reserved. Image from Damian Morys flickr photostream. Original photo can be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
More from John "Cork" Corcoran Jr.

 

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