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Alberta Heading for a New Environmental Crisis: Shannon Phillips

Minister of Environment sets off alarm

SNN - Shannon Phillips, Minister of Environment and Parks, the department head responsible for the climate change with the Alberta NDP government, announced today that Canada is heading for a severe resource shortage that has put Global Warming on the back burner of her portfolio.

According to an interdepartmental study, ordered by Alberta's Premier Rachel Notley, Canada is running out of gravity. The study, conducted by Ontario's Flatus Research Corp, shows that the Earth's gravimetry has diminished and that over usage is the root cause. “Alberta has always been vulnerable to gravity outages during summer months,” came a statement from Shannon Philips, “but the risk facing millions is even greater now and will be really bad within five years.”

Flatus compiled data from NASA's GRACE mission, which showed deviations of gravity in Earth's ellipsoid and clearly reported that gravity in Canada; and in particular, Alberta is weaker than anywhere else in the world. “There was a direct relationship between gravitational acceleration and the downwards force experienced by objects on Earth,” stated the report. “However, other factors such as the rotation of the Earth also contribute to the net reduction in acceleration.” The mean gravitational strength was 9.80665 m/s2; however, Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba are loosing gravity and it is currently at 9.10665 m/s2. “At this rate, Alberta will only have a gravity of 7.2 by 2021,” stated Phillips, “Alberta may be experiencing less rotation than other places."  Phillips  added, "It will be like living on Mars!”

The study, which will be read into the record at the legislature, warns that due to the unique composition of Canada's geology, gravitational reduction is at its apex in the provinces of Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba. “The Canadian shield is particularly sensitive to gravitational reduction,” stated Philips. According to the scientific data, Manitoba will be the most affected by this.

Already, a few thousand residents of Alberta are experiencing gravity shortages but that’s just a small taste of the worst-case scenario the Alberta government is scrambling to avoid.

The main problem: horizontal drilling and surface mining in the energy industry. “We have reason to believe that decades of drilling for oil, and mining for bitumen have caused this dangerous shortage, and closing down these operations may be the only fix for the problem,” stated Phillips.

Phillips warns that within five years, heavy equipment, weak structures, older homes, and mobile homes, will be the most at risk. “We are looking at a moratorium on these particular structures, for the safety of all Albertans,” stated Philips.

The hardest hit will be the infrastructure located in Alberta Oilsands Development. “We are looking at dismantling the tarsands operation completely,” stated Philips.

Gravity Tax hinted at.

Premier Notley was not available for comment, but a communiqué from her office clearly indicated that they are prepared for the worse. “The Alberta government will be at the forefront of this emerging gravity shortage, and we will be raising funds through taxation to build new technologies to tackle this issue.” Alberta's NDP government recently warned that a shortage of gravity could spark infrastructure damage that will affect millions of Albertans in the coming years.

For now, Phillips is asking all Albertans to abstain from any recreational drugs and alcohol. “When the gravity is short and you get tipsy, you could fall and get hurt,” concluded Phillips.

Image: “Shannon Phillips” Some Rights Reserved, by the Premier of Alberta.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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