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PM Trudeau Announces Plan to Tax Dark Matter

Photo: "I think I might have some right here." - Trudeau

(SNN) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Friday his government is actively pursuing the taxation of dark matter. Trudeau made the startling proclamation at the Ontario Science Centre surrounded by a number of men in white lab coats with wild hairdos which Trudeau introduced as "some scientists".

"The Canadian government is committed to embarking on this incredible growth opportunity which dark matter presents," claimed Trudeau in his remarks. "With this new investment vehicle we will be able to increase revenues 27% while ensuring dark matter does not pose a threat to Canada and its people."

The plan, according to the Prime Minister, is to tax all the spaces where dark matter exists which is everywhere that other matter doesn't occupy. The move will affect anyone who takes up space in the three dimensional world, which includes even the homeless, as well as senators and their staff. Also available for tax levies is the dark matter which exists in dwellings," from cardboard boxes to condominiums and beyond" which Trudeau categorized as "ripe for the picking".

When asked if he was aware that dark matter was only a hypothetical substance and that it may not even exist, Trudeau was dismissive.

"We tax... I mean pursue revenue opportunities... based on lots of hypotheticals," Trudeau responded. "We simply try to use the best science we can buy to support new revenue creating initiatives. Right guys?"

"Yes, Sir, Mr. Prime Minister, Sir!" the scientists responded in unison.

Trudeau added there will be some job creation possibilities in the sciences as the government will be hiring more scientists to find the stuff they will be taxing us on. He added that finding it wasn't absolutely essential, however, as his government already struck a committee to begin work on the amount of revenue they can spend prior to the discovery and eventual monetizing of it.

The consensus from most CBC scribes who had been chauffered to the briefing was enthusiastically positive about the move, but many added the government isnt going far enough with the new dark matter policy.

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by NRCS Soil Health Flickr photostream. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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