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Trump's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions

Photo: No more Mr. Nice Guy


(SNN) An un-named source who claims to be "close to Mr. Trump's hair" has revealed the wealthy Republican hopeful's list of ten resolutions he made for 2016. According to the source, Trump intends to adhere to these resolutions as fiercely as he adheres to his financial commitments, other than those annoying bankruptcies of a few years ago.

Here then, are Mr. Trump's Top 10 Resolutions

  1. Copyright the words "Top 10" and sue anyone that uses it.
  2. Stop calling broads "hags". Dames get so upset over trivial stuff like that.
  3. Consider changing a slightly abrasive style to get some ink in the papers.
  4. Try not to dump another wife during the campaign.
  5. Buy up any paper that has files on what my previous positions on the issues once were, so I can have the files destroyed.
  6. Check off more entries on my bucket list of "groups of Americans to offend". Almost complete! To recap, war vets; check, women; check, Mexicans; check, Muslims; check, anyone who isn't filthy rich, male and disgustingly entitled; check.
  7. Pay for a haircut and professional dye job. This doing it myself isn't working out. Might even try a shade that actually is present in nature.
  8. Get all my stupid ex-wives to swear affadavits stating I am not as sexist as Bill Clinton.
  9. Buy the publishing rights to the Holy Bible and have the part about rich men gaining the Kingdom of Heaven, camels and eyes of needles rewritten to show that poverty is for losers.
  10. Try and stop being so nice because unscrupulous people might use my good nature against me.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by DonkeyHotey Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

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