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Top Panel Debates How Santa Delivers So Many Gifts

Photo: Evidence to support the multiple-Santa theories


(SNN) In our ongoing series on The Quest For Truth (and profits), The Sage News has assembled a panel of the finest minds in the world and posited the question to them, "How does Santa deliver all the gifts in one night." Here are their findings:

Dr. Holly Jolie-Kristmass, Head of the Engineering Department at MIT

"It seems apparent Santa uses some kind of time warping technology to deliver all those gifts in one night. It is quite possible he can stop time in order to visit each home, then start time once again. Once you have the technology the options are unlimited. He could even likely return to the past to fix mistakes. Why he doesn't use this power to stop wars and other monstrous acts is a mystery, though it may just be he found his niche and stuck with it. Time manipulation would also explain his remarkable longevity, too"

Derrick Von Mannequin, Dutch paranormal investigator, anthro-psychologist, author, speaker.

Given that Claus has been exhibiting this gift-giving behaviour for centuries, prior to human technological advances that could accomplish such a feat, it is quite plausible Claus is getting help from aliens. If these visiting species have molecular transport technology, they could easily "beam" the presents under the tree. Another possibility is the aliens are from a planet populated by portly gentlemen with white hair and beards.

Irv A. Gervais, CEO - Irv A. Gervais Surveys; a Paris polling and data consulting company

"Realistically, the task isn't nearly as difficult as one might think. Santa doesn't bring gifts to every home, only those that self-identify as Christians. Claus also has no need to stop at houses with Christians that don't believe in him. Homes with no children also don't usually expect a visit, either. The remainder, Christian families, who believe in Santa and have young children, are further divided by having kids on the "naughty" list. That reduces the visit count significantly. In all actuality, he shouldn't have much trouble making it happen. After all, by smart use of time zones, he actually has a full twelve hours to deliver the few presents he has to deliver."

Heinrich Doppelgänger, CEO and Head Consultant Human Relations International, Munich,Germany

"I believe the only way to explain the anecdotal evidence of Santa knowing the people he encounters so personally, despite the huge client demographic he serves, is that the North Pole headquarters must house thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands, of Santas; clones, perhaps. They each have just a small route to travel, not the entire planet."

The panel issued a communique at the end of the panel session universally condemning the explanation of "magic" as silly and preposterous.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Roel van Deursen Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
 
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