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Scientists Reveal: Deaths Linked to Thoughts of Death

(SNN) A recent study released from the American Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia Foundation (ASGF) discovered that there is a direct correlation between thoughts of death and death itself. According to the Director of ASGF, Dr. Diur N. L. Enuresis, polls conducted with 100 men and woman after their deaths, show that 95 of the deceased had thoughts of death within one week of their passing.

“It did not matter how they died,” stated Dr. Enuresis, “the fact remains that each one of the 95 decedents where thinking of death.” The study concludes that thinking of death, is directly linked to a persons accelerated demise.

“It is quite simple,” advised Dr. Enuresis, “keep happy, think good thoughts and you may live longer.”

The study has come under some criticism from some medical professionals, citing issues with how the data was derived. The ASGF has been accused of using crystal balls, Ouija Boards, or Seers that devined the data; but the Foundation remains firm. “We did not use any ethereal or fringe technics, all our information came directly from a questionnaire completed by each decedent," responded Dr. Enuresis.

In defense of the ASGF, the United Nations World Health Organization is standing firm with the study. “We can find no fault in ASGF's data gathering methods,” stated WHO's Dr. Woo.  

Image: "Graves in Bunhill Fields, London" by Paul Wilkinson, Some Rights Reserved.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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