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Ashley Madison Hacker Hired By Secret JP Group

Photo: Headquarters of the alleged but probably guilty hacker

(SNN) Evidence is mounting, though not yet proven in court, that the hacker responsible for the Ashley Madison website data release was hired by a group known as the North American Secret Society of Justices of the Peace, or NASSJoPea. (Twitter handle, @Nassjopea) (Check their Facebook page for a valuable coupon for marriage ceremonies.)

According to an informant inside the tight-knit JP community (who wants to be called "Deep Trouble" which, apparently, he is in with his wife), the hacker was Herbie Baudrate of Herbie's Hack Shack and Arcade on Lexington.

Deep Trouble explained that US Bureau of Statistics data clearly shows single people now marry far less than before, but divorced people remarry an astonishing 91% of the time.

"Getting the divorce rate up can only help a business depressed by the first time marriage slump," explained Deep Trouble. "What better way than exposing some poor schlep whose wife doesn't understand him, and who is he hurting if she never finds out? Maybe he just wanted some free porn, you know? But does his frigid shrewish wife believe him? No! I'm talking about some hypothetical person, of course."

Ashley Madison officials did not wish to comment on the revelations. They did, however, have an attractive offer for new clients who hadn't heard that the only actual female member of Ashley Madison is 68 year-old Dolly Henderson of Greater Gainsborough. She signed up on a dare during a wine spritzer-fuelled wedding shower for her grand daughter.

When contacted by The Sage, Ms. Henderson chuckled and admitted she has yet to get a prospective suitor trying to contact her after three years and was advised by friends and family she should try deleting her picture.

Officials from NASSJoPea refused to acknowledge the existence of the group and called security to have a Sage reporter forcibly removed from the building that bears the organization's name.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by CJ Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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