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Evil Killed My Computer

Photo: I'm sure that was the guy

(SNN) I think someone is mad at me; maybe even out to get me. It might be the NSA or the CIA or the People Against the Paranoid, but somebody considers me a threat. I know this because they took the liberty of remotely disabling my home computer.

And, no, I'm not the type that backs everything up every ten minutes, either. Or ever, really. I am also not the type, however, to make outlandish accusations without some cause. Then I make lots of them.

I'm not sure what I did to offend the Illuminati. My Internet consumption is almost exclusively shared between Google News, YouTube and gaming, if indeed playing over 10,000 games of FreeCell counts as gaming. Oh yeah, and I visit the humor site Failblog, occasionally. Why this would anger the computer gods, I couldn't say. All I know is I was happily computing my little heart out when suddenly my CPU froze up like a Chevette at -40.

This freeze up phenomenon was not entirely new for the unit, which was a six year old bargain bin Acer (Vista beta version) which I had kept up almost as well as the diary I got for Christmas when I was nine. "Thanks, Mom and Dad!" (Tosses in trash at first opportunity). In fact, when I opened the computer case to see what was wrong, there was such an enormous population of dust bunnies, the hard-to-sweep area under the china cupboard was jealous.

But that wasn't the problem, I'm sure. The computer had been neglected for years. It was used to it. Why would it go now? No, this wasn't the fault of the old, crappy computer with the clogged fan grate, this was the work of devious criminal masterminds.

Exhibit A, or as they say in Canada, 'Exhibit eh', is the last words my poor Acer scrawled before shedding its mortal processor. According to the homicide notedisplayed on my monitor, someone had snuck in while my back was turned and stole the computer's registry file. I was incensed. I would have been even angrier if I had known what a registry file was. Sadly, even the pimply-faced $13.00/hr IT guru at Staples didn't know either, and alas, the patient couldn't be saved.

So I bought another bargain basement Acer, even after they had the gall to charge me for finishing off the victim. It was better, I felt, to buy the cheap de la cheap than having a more expensive one crap out on me as they all tend to do anyway, when you upset the Bilderberg Group as often as I have. I remember when they took down my Compac Presario in 1996 when they fried the root file and bent the coal scuttle.

The reason that I feel every failure of a piece of hardware is the work of shadowy figures who wish to punish my forays onto Failblog with malevolent vengeance, is because I must, for my own sanity. If I blamed my computer for every crash, I would never go near public roads again knowing how many computerized cars are on the road.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Michael Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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