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World's Leading Scientists Warn: Man-made Time Loss Is Real

(SNN) The threat of time loss is as severe as dying young, according to an emergency summit of the world's Nobel Laureates.

“Humans are the primary cause of the loss of time,” says a report from a special committee of world leading scientists appointed by the United Nations. According to the “Global Chroniker Change Report” released last week, 97% of all scientists believe that the loss of one hour throughout North America, Canada, and parts of Europe are attributed to anthropogenic causes, specifically “direct manipulation of chronographs.”

The committee issued a memorandum which declared the best chance of stopping the loss of one hour in time is to keep the predicted length of a day in March to twenty-four hours. Any further human interference in time will result in the loss of one hour on that day. “Effectively shortening the day to 23 three hours!” warns scientists.

Without action, scientists envisaged a loss of time, which would mean global sleep loss, additional stress, anxiety and possibly even death. “A situation that is bad, real bad, not even good," said Friedman Dryson, professor emeritus of the School of Artificial Sciences.

Scientists have labeled this as “Daylight Savings Time”, which many skeptics believe is misleading, and in fact, a hoax. “There is no evidence that we actually save any daylight,” argues Dryson, “in fact there is empirical data that proves that daylight is a natural occurring process and that it occurs in regular cycles,"  Dryson adds, "it is a natural Earth cycle, man has nothing to do with it.”

According to Dryson, time loss continues unabated; and it remains an urgent problem. “Although the Earth has experienced exceptional and constant time and daylight over the past century, to ignore how much more daylight will be saved we need to know how time will respond to the ongoing human-caused manipulation of time, primarily one hour.

Devin Crum of the progressive publication, Basketball Jones, published a story that cited data from the Emmett Brown Clock Tower Association showing that in the past ten years, countries around the world have experienced an accumulated loss of 10 hours during the second Sunday of each March, and an equal amount of photonic energy saved. “This is a holy shit moment for what time loss looks like,” said Crum. “Daylight Saving Time deniers are the most dangerous people on the Earth.”

Friedman Dryson has warned that time loss is imminent and that the world needs to act now, before November 1st. “We only have a few days left, and then we lose that hour.”  

When it was pointed out that humans actually gain an hour in every Fall, Friedman Dyson said, "Lies, all lies! The science has not been settled yet."

Image Source: By Brian Smithson. Some Rights Reserved. The Sage not this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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